26 February 2005

Swept Off To...

For those of you with it at hand, get your Fellowship Of The Ring soundtrack and go to Number 17. Listen to the beginning of the song and wait for it...wait for it...

Frodo: Go back, Sam. I'm going to Mordor alone.
Sam: Of course you are. And I'm coming with you.

..I was blessed with one phone call to feel an ounce of what they must have felt. This part of the movie grips me like none other and reminds me of Rachel. When she called, her voice shaking and unsteady, it soon reminded me of this part and how years have passed and we have both changed but our friendship has not. I know we would go to the very fires of Morder for each other. Yet now, miles and hours apart we rely and sit upon what Bilbo used to say: "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."

25 February 2005

What A Day

"...and even if time ain't really on my side,
it's one of those days for taking a walk outside
I'm blowing the day to take a walk in the sun

and fall on my face on somebody's new-mown lawn.
I've been having a sweet dream I been dreaming since I woke up today."

..Walking back from class these words rang true and it stirred this memory that went deeper then most. I starred up at the bright sky with all of its blunder of clouds and sunshine. What a beautiful day.
"And you can be sure that if you're feeling right
A daydream will last long into the night
Tomorrow at breakfast you may pick up your ears
Or you may be daydreaming for a thousand years
What a day for a daydream."

24 February 2005


Often times I love to use analogies to illustrate my emotions at a present time. Today, an experience happened that painted just that:

I was at work and a young two year old was moody and restless. Her disposition that day had been awful and for the first time since I had met Emi, she refused to obey me. Even when I had to pry the Bubble blower out of her hands, she refused to ease her will of getting what she wanted and when she wanted it. However, at 4:00 when her father arrived she was in the same mood and only wanted to see him. Her older sister, Lea took her to the playground to play on the swings but she just wanted her father. Their family speaks in Hebrew and all of the sudden I look over and her stance was sturdy, her head thrown back and she screamed in Hebrew.

"Abba! Abba!" Louder and louder after each name calling. I hear her father respond with something in Hebrew and she begins to cry. She wants her Abba. She wants to feel his presence, to know that he's there, to be greeted by him and hugged and loved by him so that she can return the same affection. She wanted to go home with him and spend the rest of the afternoon and evening with him.

Sometimes, all we can do is stand in the desert and say, with our arms spread around us. "Abba!" and before we even say His name, He is there to reflect upon us His grace and love. Hallelujah.

21 February 2005

Strange Things Are Happening

okay. tonight at 1:33 am i decided what i am going to do with the rest of my life:

first of all, stop going to school because it is a capitol B for boring and i am sick of it. so that's over with.
secondly, tell my parents that i will not "divorce" them as some do, but make sure they are taken care of for the rest of their lives.
thirdly, call mel or stephan or someone and let them know the secret is out and i am ready for work. i know, some of you are surprised (especially you rachel. please dont sell those music videos on ebay. thank you.) but its true. i'm movin' to hollywood! anyone with me?
its a good life goal, i think, and i won't be like those other actors...i promise. i will stay normal and keep my house here (i need to buy one first) and then the one in california...my apartment in London and Manhattan...now i am just getting carried away..
its so late, this reminds me of earlier today when i kept watching certain parts from Dumb and Dumber and my father could not believe the fact that i found it so hilarious. it just is:
"Goodbye my love---"

goodnight everyone. sleep well.
(i hope everyone can take sarcasm. this is not boy humor. ok rachel?)

18 February 2005

...a reply to try...

when someone says : I'm tired. (meaning, physically, mentally, spiritually, anything)

respond with: you're tired? babies are tired and babies get naps!

...just a little bit of david letterman humor...

however, in the preferred words of the beatles...
When you find yourself in the thick of it help yourself to a bit of what is all around you. Silly girl."

16 February 2005

Taking a Sad Song and Making It Better...

but how is that possible??

...i forgot to mention possibly the best band i have ever heard....

...the sweet melodic sounds of the beatles...

...how silly of me.

, today, another eventful day driving home from work and these lyrics went through my ear drums (that are slightly enflamed due to my cold, sure you needed to know that) and i all i heard was this:

i wonder if paul realized he would be used by Jesus today? oh paul (using the ever small-lipped british accent)

"...and anytime you feel the pain
Hey Jude refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool
Who plays it cool
While making his world a little colder
La Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na"

"So let it out and let it in
Hey Jude begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you
Hey Jude you do
The movement you need is on your shoulder."
in memory of dear bon.

..to be completely honest with each one of you this song took me back to room 4 with Bonnie D (perhaps it was talking to spiro last night as well and our long conversation that i enjoyed ever so much) but really. Bonnie and I spoke through Beatles songs, it was just something that was in us. and that, my friends, is a rare and hard find for people these days. if any one of you has a friend that they can speak through beatles songs with do not, i repeat, do not let them go. they're a gift.
(this song was written for john's son julian, right?)
so real quick. top five beatles songs that remind me of bonnie: (i couldn't just put up my favourite 5. thats impossible!)

5. Ob-La-Di-Ob-La-Da (dancing around the room from bed to bed)
4. Mother Nature's Son (i had to take out calico skies because...its not a beatles song and there is just no excuse.) (thank you spiro)
3. Martha My Dear (this was more second term, eh.)
2. Dear Prudence (oh, she was ALWAYS singing this one)
1. Freakin' Penny Lane

Alright, I'm done for now.

14 February 2005

Moses Suposes His Toses Are Roses...

...i sit, waiting for the next class to begin.
...please, go check out andy's band. they're quite enjoyable.

...does anyone ever have those moments when they wish they could somehow detach themselves from the situation and just kind of observe it without having to react to it? that was saturday night for me. i think it would have been much more interesting to observe a high school youth group valentine's day party. it would have been slightly amusing. regardless, i wore a "heart of the ocean" necklace from titanic (no, not the real thing. come on.) and made plenty of toasts "la'chiam." and held the glasses high. cheers, mates.

i read this today and thought it could benefit someone else's day besides my own:

"Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life...it strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage...that's when we experience grace." -The Ragamuffin Gospel.

12 February 2005

the potting wheel

..i was talking to abbie today about letting go. about accepting feelings and the reality of pain and the the experience of a love loss. it was incredible to hear how similar we felt, how intense we both are. i looked at her from across my parents mini-van, her in the passanger seat and i in the front seat.

"is something really wrong with us?"
i asked.

"no mel..nothing is wrong with us. it's Jesus working and shaping us and molding us into the people He wants us to be" she emphasized complete with hand motions. sometimes i miss him even now when i know im not supposed to. healing is such a process that seems to go on for years. how long until we are healed of this past that plagues us? when will it be that we cry out to Jesus and we forget? i think about it nearly daily and its this process of having to accept him as if he "died"
...at school Rob talked (thats Rob in the picture) a lot about "you can forgive until you are blue in the face but you can't forget" and "its impossible to concentrate on forgetting." and importantly: "forgiving isn't a step, it's a process."
Rob Whitaker
....and that scares me to do. how long until i'll forget? i talked to grace this morning a bit about. i dont wish none of it had happened i just wish the memories weren't as visible in my mind as they were when they happened. sometimes, and often, it's surrendering to Jesus whether on your kitchen floor, in your bedroom or driving to work...raising your hands and begging Jesus to begin the process of healing. to begin to shape and mold us. amen,

11 February 2005

"What will you do without freedom? Aye, fight and you may die, run, and you'll live... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take away our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!"
...what a beautiful quote.
..today its raining, it reminds me of my memories that still feel as real as if they happened yesterday. i feel like i should go to liverpool today or to the lake district.
..i talked with my brother last night for a long while. i sat on the bathroom floor and he painted this analogy about life and accepting change. it was perfect. i hope i get it right.
"when the body receives a heart transplant it can do one of to things: either the body will accept the new heart and begin the process of healing and the long journey ahead to recovery. or, the body will reject the heart completely and the body will, in fact, die. it will shut down and you will die. if the body can't accept the heart then there is no healing process. the body must accept the new heart...the new life that it has been given in order to function."
...incredible. if i may so i do think my brother is a slight genius. i love him

09 February 2005

Я хочу кушать. Подайте, сколько можете.

...which really means " I want to eat. Will you give me whatever you can?." what an interesting question. and that, my dear friends, is where i am at in this moment.

...this moment. a simple phrases that has become pale with color due to the many uses that it has gone through. i use that phrase often, if any of you really know me. yet i've tried to stray from it for a while now. because it' s not the moment its the big picture, and where do we all fit into the big picture? the big picture. ah, yes. i was listening to a song on the good 'ol ipod that said "all i have in this world is more then a King could ever wish for." and it hit me. this reality that was decorated with Truth and Blessings and the next phrase that said "and I was born to kiss Your feet."

...i skipped my classes today, well, all of them but my english because the teacher stresses me out. ah, yes, i hear it from each one of you in your own ways. "mel, nothing can stress you out, you stress yourself out." well, alright. makes enough sense, right? no. let me paint the picture here: (although i am no artist) he's tall, lanky and has various colors of gray hair lined in oil. he's a charater...a man that prefers men over women and the intelligence that men seem to hold. he is a sports fanatic and perfector of writing. he walks like "jack" from "a nightmare before Christmas" and actually holds the same ambience as him. he is a hidden blessing.
...back to the moment and the big picture. it's Jesus. i really believe simply and completely it's Jesus and there is nothing more that we can try to fit into it because the minute we do we drain it of its Truth. so as far as the moments go and how to live them and experience them it comes to a point where the bible says in 1 corinthians 10:31 "
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." or in Russian "31Итак, едите ли, пьете ли, или иное что делаете, все делайте в славу Божию." and in doing that everything will seem to turn back to Him. incredible.
...so i am twenty years old today and i dont feel any different or look any different but im ready for it. every other birthday ive sort of dreaded the aging and the changes that happen but i think i'm finally ready. as i once wrote on someone's driveway, "everyone dies but not everyone truly lives." (what movie is that from?) who else is ready to begin living?

08 February 2005

the last day of nineteen years.


...this summer i heard the lyrics to this song for the first time. i had been in the states for less than a month and my heart was a mess. i clung to the past desperatly and a desire that Jesus did not want to give me and than He showed me these lyrics. even today when i heard it in the car a real and tangable sense of peace consumed me as i realized it was His love, not the boy from school, not a future i had so dreamed of, but His love that broke through and made everything a reality that consisted of He and I.

this seemed to be the best picture to describe it. my dear sister Grace from Nigeria. she taught me of God's real grace and how undeserving we are and yet how real and intimate it can be. she deserves a post to rant about the things she taught me. (side note: thursday they decide if she can travel out of the UK so if you think of it, please pray!)

"Like a foolish dreamer, trying to build a highway to the sky
All my hopes would come tumbling down, and I never knew just why
Until today, when you pulled away the clouds that hung like curtains on my eyes well I've been blind all these wasted years and I though I was so wise but then you took me by surprise

Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed
Until Your love broke through
I've been lost in a fantasy, that blinded me
Until Your love broke through

All my life I've been searching for that crazy missing part
And with one touch, you just rolled away the stone that held my heart
And now I see that the answer was as easy, as just asking you in
And I am so sure I could never doubt your gentle touch again
It's like the power of the wind

Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed
Until Your love broke through
I've been lost in a fantasy, that blinded me
Until Your love, until Your love, broke through"

07 February 2005


..i know all of you might not be huge fans of lyrics but here is someone who could explain it all much better then i could ever try to and many of you know this song. for me, it holds dear memories and real truth. how often do we discuss the truths of a situation rather then playing around with "feelings."? not nearly often enough. or perhaps things like this is just "playing around with feelings." who knows.

"Nothing can be done against the truth
No matter how we remain in denial.

Wasting time
Replacing time
With each empty excuse
But that'll only work a little while

Coping with despair
Knowin' you're not there
Ashamed to just admit
I've been a fool.

So I blame it on the sun
Run away from everyone
Hoping to escape this ridicule.

Trapped in misery
Wrapped so miserably
In this deception that I'm wearin' it like a skin

Dying to maintain
Oh I keep trying to explain
A heart that never loved me to begin.

Oh I'm such a mess
I have no choice but to confess
That I've been desperately trying to belong.

Lying to myself
And everybody else
Refusing to admit my right was wrong

And then He came
Oh and it means
Praise and Meditation
And then He came
Oh and it means
Did ya think about that?
And then He came
Oh and it means
Praise and Meditation
And then he came
Oh and it means
That it deceived

How beautiful is fruit still in denial of its roots?
My guilty heart behaves so foolishly.
This treason from within
That reasons with my sin
Won't be happy til' it sees the death of me.

Selfishly addicted
To a life that I depicted
Conflicted cuz it's not reality
Oh what's left of me
I beg you desperately
Cause me to agree to what I know is best for me.

Please save me from myself
I need You to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal.

The choices that I make

Oh have been nothing but mistakes
What a wasted use of space
Should I die before I wake?
In all of my religion
I've fortified this prison
Obligated to obey
The demands of bad decision
Please save me from myself
I need You to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

And then He came
Oh and it means
Praise and Meditation
And then He came
Oh and it means
Did ya think about that?
And He came
Oh and it means
And then He came
Oh and it means
That it deceived

And then He came
And then He came
Then He came
Then He came
And then He
And then He came"
beautiful. anyone agree?
lauryn hill "selah"

my all in all

...i recalled this memory of a time not so long ago when i was at a castle in england, getting into the funny little bus that would occasionally include a car sickness and singing this song on the way to lancaster...

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising up again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising up again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I get dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

what a beautiful perfect reminder of who God is and putting Him in His rightly place.

06 February 2005

Ya neegavadi Ruski...

...Tonight I pretended I was Russian. I spoke Russian with my cousin Abbie and we trailed around the “art walk” where “individuals” and “artsy-farsty” people gather once a month to enjoy interaction between each other and a fresh opportunity to display what they had spent the previous month working on.

She and I had walked around, looked at numerous photographs, paintings and listened to bands play. Even watched people swing fireballs around their bodies. (I am not even slightly joking)

She had the urge to leave and so we were walking towards the car, passing the occasional drunk art kid or perhaps a homeless man selling his work on the streets, when a man walked past us.

“Hey,” He spoke, obviously a bit tipsy.
I nodded, in attempt to acknowledge his greeting but say nothing in response.

A minute later he rushed towards us, beginning with a slight British accent.

“Hello, I just thought you girls were cute and that if you want to you can come with me to the Bikini Club down the street.”

I looked at Abbie and she glanced at me, preparing herself for what would come next.

“Shto?” I asked in Russian. “I am sorry my English is very bad…what did you want to do? Go where?”

“To the Bikini Club, you know…to have a couple of drinks and shake your booties.”

I started to laugh as Abbie rambled things in Russian to me, basically asking me what he had said.

“Bootie. I don’t know this word.” I starred at him obliviously.

“You know, it means to shake your bootie…your bum, your butt.” For some strange reason he never pointed to himself. “I am sure we can ask anyone on the street and they will tell you what bootie means.”

“Bootie. I’m sorry but that is a crazy word.”

“Where are you from?” He asked.

At the same time we both said,



I told him my name was Irena and I was from Moscow and Abbie was Dasha and she was from Nischni. They became intrigued, asked us questions and tried to ignore their slight buzz from the alcohol that clung to their breath. They followed these two characters from Russia into conversations of absolutely nothing. We listened, laughed and said things in Russian and looked back at each them.

“Why did you want to come to Phoenix?”

“Its warm!” My cousin who was playing the Russian-with-little-to-no-English character stated.

“No, its cold.” The man responded complete with covering his hands over his arms to illustrate “being cold”

“This is not cold to us, really not cold.” I added in.

Then he said,

“Is it hard for you to pick up the slang from Americans?”

“Yes, America has much slang.” She responded unsurely.

“Phoenix doesn’t have much slang. It’s mostly the eastern and western parts of America.” He continued.

She starred into space, acting as if she didn’t understand a word he said. She had lived here her entire life and everyone knows how much slang Americans have—that’s one of the reasons why English is the hardest language to learn.

“So what do you say? Do you want to go to the Bikini Bar?”

“What? Net…I don’t think so.” I smiled slightly, trying to be polite.

“Are you sure? Its just down the street…we could give you a ride in our cars even if you wanted us to.”

“Net, thank you…speciba. Da, it was very nice to see you.”

And they shook our hands and left.

We waited for about twenty feet before erupting into laughter and begin to ramble things in good American English full of slang words and obnoxious laughter. It was like being a kid all over again…except these guys weren’t really playing along…unless playing the part of the silly drunk white American boy is anything….

04 February 2005

Atchison Topeka

this song goes out to my girl Kate. i miss you. table seven your order is ready.

"Don't know about the future, that's anybody's guess.
Ain't no good reason for getting all depressed.
Buy up your pad and pencil, I'll give you a piece of my mind,
In my opinionation, the sun is gonna surely shine.

Stop all your fussin',
Slap on a smile
Come out and walk in the sun for awhile.

Don't fight the felling, you know you want to have a good time.
And in my opinionation, the sun is gonna surely shine."

“…maybe because it takes more work to hold onto those other ones , whereas those great ones will always be there....regardless of how often you write, call, etc....because seriously, true friendship can handle long pauses, you know?” -Karen C.

incendiary too man...

Originally uploaded by mellesmitty.

...if i could have a picture to describe my mood right now it would be this. she was about to start laughing, her head was cold but not the rest of her body, and she was waiting for the next moment to happen.

03 February 2005

"Oh, I'm not here with these fellas. I've got a pig in competition over at the livestock pavilion, and I am going to win that blue ribbon!"

"hey, wasn't that our fan?"

everyday i cut through the parking lot of a recording studio to get home from work. two days ago i entered the parking lot, semi guarded by a huge, gigantic metal fence that they close at night. i drove up to see a group of young guys, sporting different trendy looks; the fo-hawk, the tight pants, the no-shower-for-weeks look and a couple sort of odd guys (perhaps the drummer or back up singer.) they were playing, of course, hacky sack in the parking lot. i slowed down when i drove up, rolling down my window. they dispersed into small pods scattered around my car.

"hey guys. are you recording in there?" i motioned towards the building.

"yeah, we're in the process of cutting a new single..have you heard of us?"

they spit out a name i've never heard in my life.

"yeah, you guys are great! i can't wait to get your single!" i tried to refrain from the ever present laughter that hit the back of my throat and the pit of my stomach.

"single? i'm single."

"what about you?" i pointed to the other.

"he's married." the one i had been talking to the entire time chipped in quickly without turning in the direction of my finger.

"great." i rolled up my window and continued driving.

i couldn't stop laughing as i entered the highway towards home thinking of the "hot-shot" musicians that i had just encountered.

i bet you are saying now,
are you serious?

no. but it would be pretty funny, huh? everything is true except the conversation...i just kept driving, thinking to myself how much fun these guys had to be having.

i end with this:

"Are you crazy? A man in a really nice camper wants to put our song on the radio! Gimme a pen, I'm signin'! You're signin'! We're all signin'!"

"do you believe in what you see?"

Originally uploaded by mellesmitty.

"wasting my time in the waiting line..."

...today i saw snow. obviously, not falling white flakes that surround you so much you cant see the car in front of you, but it was cold and there was snow on the ground.

...interesting enough, today i made a small discovery. my sister started crying before we went to Flagstaff (about three hours away) because she thought my mother had called her fat. Now. this is interesting to me, because i want to know who put this filthy idea into her small mind! its sad that our culture, our country, has gotten to the point where a growing 12 year old starts to sob because she thinks she is fat (she is also quite dramatic.) and yet i didnt know how to help her, i didnt know what to say or how to make it better. not only because its rubbish but because when i was 12 my biggest fear was that i was growing up faster then my best friend (who was 11. you understand.) where did this media come from that brainwashed my little sister into thinking she's fat? or rather how dare satan get so near to her to bring her tears. this part of me was infuriated. is it the media? america? or just life?

...on a lighter note, please, if you get a chance...my brother has this small tiddy of a band and they sound great. so if you a get chance, check them out.


....i end with this:

"If loving people is a bit of heaven, then certainly isolation is a bit of hell, and to that degree, here on earth, we decide which state we would like to live."

anyone agree?

02 February 2005

nina and daci

Originally uploaded by mellesmitty.

their "dramatic" poses. now where did they learn that sort of thing?

possibly the cutest kid i've ever seen...

Originally uploaded by mellesmitty.

my little cousin marco.

he is the cheekiest lad i've ever laid eyes on and the most interesting. i hope to post a lot of pictures of him in here because he's great (him and his sisters as well) so here is the intro. my cousin married a guy from croatia and these are their kids...we live in the same house as them now but soon they will move to croatia to be missionaries. any comments? people, i never get any comments nor do i know how you feel about things. everyone knows conversation is a big thing for me...haha. alright, choos!

01 February 2005

marshmallows and stars

...i was having a good talk with my dear friend samuel and the topic of heaven began and what it would be like.

...everyone knows of the friends that one can go and get a cup of coffee with, or go to a movie or basketball game or some sort of entertainment with...but there are very few friends that one can sit across from at 3am with a bowl of cereal and talk of the most random things and not mind at all. its the friendship. its the comfort that the friendship brings.

...sam and i decided in heaven the friendships will be wonderful and no evil will seep its way into them and it will consist of eating lots of bowls of cereal and talking about random things. our concentration will be on Jesus and together, with each other, we will praise Him for eternity. how incredible this is.

...another small tidbit was from my girl spiro...this is something incredible to keep in mind...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements, lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least the risk of tragedy, is damnation...We shall draw nearer to God not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them, and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it."
-- C. S. Lewis, in The Four Loves

"Christ, who said to the disciples 'Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,' can truly say to every group of Christian friends 'You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.' The friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of all the others. They are no greater than the beauties of a thousand other men; [but] by friendship God opens our eyes to them. They are, like all beauties, derived from Him, and then, in a good friendship, increased by Him through the friendship itself, so that it is His instrument for creating as well as for revealing. At this feast it is He who has spread the board and it is He who has chosen the guests. It is He, we may dare to hope, who sometimes does, and always should, preside. Let us not reckon without our Host."
-- C.S. Lewis, in "The Four Loves"

...thats my response to the email cp's...i truly think thats the way we need to look at it.

ps. sorry about the wrong email spi.

alright, i'm signing off...off to work with the wonderful little Jewish children.

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