kindergarten

Can it be? Are you really about to start Kindergarten?

Where has the time gone, my boy?

As I reflected on the upcoming life-change and monumental moment for my boy I couldn't help but wonder (and doubt, as I do. just being honest.) Have I taught him enough? not in the typical letters and numbers sort of way. The kid is an information vacuum and loves to learn. he's the same kid who asks questions like, "why does the moon change sizes? how do planes work? what were some of your mess ups as a kid?" 

but i wonder (or perhaps worry) have we practiced honesty enough? treating others the way you like to be treated? sweet Jack, we've practiced for the last five years how to use gentle hands, how to use words when we're upset, how to problem solve, find root emotions, sing songs to ward off bad moods and find comfort in blue blankets and bee bees (his beloved pacifier. RIP.) We've learned the joy of dance parties and bath time, Thomas the train, playmates, oreo eating, long walks and car-running in the house and/or backyard. we've practiced so much, my boy, and yet i can't help but wonder, are you ready? have we laughed enough? have we played pretend, read enough books together, taken enough naps together, made up stories, built forts, put together puzzles, created paint masterpieces and jumped through creeks enough?

have you tasted enough adventure? i'm sorry for how many times i've asked you to slow down or be careful, you know i just love you and want you to be safe, right? 

did we read up enough on how thunderstorms start and what an earthquake is? 

did i listen to your dreams?

did i draw your heart out enough? your tender, spirited little heart that has lots of feelings that you're learning to express well. 

i sure hope we did. i do love those moments with you.

you're getting faster, kiddo. your legs are strong and swift and your feet hit the ground at just the right beat. i watch you dart across yards, across monkey bars, down and up slides. i see you there, with never ending energy that only ends when your head hits that pillow. but oh, my boy, you will stay awake as long as i will sing and your questions just keep flowing. i see you dozing, your eyes getting heavy, but you come alive in those late night chats and every secret of the day unfolds and suddenly you have undivided attention (as your baby sister is long gone as soon as the lights are out. it is 10pm after all.) 

you ask, "are you old? i wish i could stay young forever."

and 

"i had a scary dream, do you want to hear it?"

or

"i wish mater was here."

and suddenly, those chats will have to be cut short as school starts and our wakeup call will be much earlier than the 9am you typically roll of out bed. 

i wonder, do you feel ready? do you know how life will change for the next several years? school starting marks such a beautiful beginning of independent life and i am so excited for your journey and to watch you grow and change.

time with you is precious, my son. and time is catching up to us and here we are. five years in and i love you more each day. being your mama is an adventure and never lacking excitement and laughter. you're funny and kind and know a good friend when you see one.

i see you, goose. 

i see you choosing good friends on the playground,

sharing that toy with Zoey,

creating incredible pretend play with your friends.

learning how to read and feeling deeply about the characters in the book or in a good movie,

singing your prayers to Jesus at night about how much you love Him and how big He is.

i see you, pal, using the coping skill of laughter to help someone feel better when they're sad. choosing to see the bright sad in tough situations and being protective and encouraging when things are tough. even when you're the one who is disappointed.

i can't wait to see you travel through this next adventure. to learn how to read and write, to learn about science and math and how to master those monkey bars. you will love it.

love you, goose. my wingman and the one who taught me how to be a mama. 

mama

some of my favorite songs that remind me of you: 

beautiful boy

blackbird

father and son

blue eyed son

4 years old

Today I'm reminded of a similar day four years ago.

The colors had changed, a chilly breeze had taken Prescott by surprise and a frost was expected that night. Winter was quickly approaching and I was told that would bring on this large bundle I had been carrying. And it did.

Strong contractions started around 8pm and continued through the night. By 4am I couldn't sleep any more and knew he would be arriving soon. (well, he came about 20 hours later.)

I was a mixture of excited, thrilled, panicked and emotional. This moment was one I had dreamt of for as long as I could remember.

Fast forward four years and here we are, the 29th of October, and the weather is almost identical. Last week it was a warm 75-80 and today it is a high of 52. Frost is expected tonight, the wind is carrying away our beautiful fall colors and the sky is patched with clouds and a winter chill. It's one of my most favorite types of days. A perfect day to have a baby, if I do say so myself.

Time has swept up my baby and somehow turned him into a little boy. All the baby is (nearly) gone. He has so much to say, to share, to laugh about and confess (yes, he inherited that from me) He is so much fun. Almost every night after he's in bed John and I look at each other and smile, shaking our heads. He is really something. We can't believe we get to be his mama and daddy.

This year we learned how to navigate through potty training. And Jack did it! It took us a while, but thanks to some helpful hints from Uncle Andy and our great imaginations, he did it. He's so proud and so are we, buddy! (and he has a great new collection of cars to show for it, haha)

We learned how to show empathy with our baby sister when she was learning to crawl and walk. We also learned how to share attention both at home and at physical therapy for Zoey. Jack was a trooper and is one of Zoey's biggest fans.

I can often hear him in the other room talking to Zoey in a high pitched, kind and gentle voice saying, "Hi Zo-Zo, are you okay, sweetie? Come here, honeyyyyy." He loves his sister. They can be grabbing toys from each other one minute and the next be cuddling on the floor. I love watching this relationship grow.

Starting last October 2012, Jack has grown so much!

//

My dear goose,

Happy 4th Birthday, buddy! I am so thankful for you and every day I see your heart and character grow. I am so proud of you (you are?? you often say.) and YES. yes I am.

I love your honesty; the way you tell me right away when something not so great happened and when something wonderful happened. I love your heart.

I love the way you can recall song lyrics, Bible verses and quotes from one of your shows. You have a great memory and your pitch is really great, pal. I can't wait to see if you have a love for music like your dad and I do. (I think you already do ;)

This year we've been singing "I like you just the way you are" a lot. We try to sing it to you daily. I see how it lifts your spirits and how much you love it. I truly do love you just the way you are, Jackboy. I always will. Thank you for teaching me the importance of loving people the way they are, just like Jesus does.

I love seeing your empathy develop. For Zoey, for hurting people we know and don't know. I know sometimes it's scary to see people hurt or sad, but you're doing great learning how to love on people. I love that about you.

You love to take things apart and put them back together. Though sometimes those toys don't go back together and you get a little frustrated. I get it. Just the other day you were trying to fix something and you said, "I think I know what to use to put this back together!"

You also love play dough, to color, paint, and cut (you LOVE cutting) Sometimes I can't quite keep up with all the craft ideas you have ;)

You are so special and I am so, so glad I had you. I can't wait to see where the next year takes you. You just woke up from your nap, dizzy with sleep, but eager to get back to playing with your new toys.

Happy Birthday, Jackboy! I love you just the way you are.

love,
Mama

Happy Birthday, Jack! I am so thankful for you!

reflect

It's been a while.
It's becoming increasingly more difficult to keep up with this, but I really want to. Really want to have something to remember these years by.
They're growing so quickly and I'm trying to be present and not let my nostalgic-keepsake self take over.

I hope I can remember the feel of their little fingers on my shoulders.
Their little voices that say, "Mama! Mama!" and beg to be picked up and chased or tickled.

Or that fine, delicate baby hair that grows at different speeds and is just now long enough to pull into a pony tail. 

Those full moon sky eyes that radiate joy and trust and cheekiness.

And as summer's warmth slips away, along with it goes the monsoons and stormy skies.
Snow flurries are coming in the next couple of months and as each season changes I love it more and more.

This summer was especially green. Once the heat of June passed and after the loss of the Hotshots, it was as if the rains couldn't stop. They were too late, but in a way it felt like the city was mourning too, wishing it could go back in time and have been pouring that Sunday afternoon.

Sometimes it's hard to slow down enough to embrace the moments. To stop and rest and choose to see the small joys that could easily be overlooked.

Kiddos do make it easier. They enjoy the moments much better than I can (part of why I love them so.)

Here are a few things and moments that I've loved this summer.

Eating popcorn in the morning.

Displaying hand-picked wild flowers from my boy.

Making forts on the floor and reading books on blankets.

Watching these two develop a friendship.
Today I overheard Jack from another room give Zoey her toy back and say,
"Sorry I took that from you, Zoey."

Such empathy and kindness and tenderness has sprouted from my little guy. He's all adventure, spirit and energy, but there's this sensitive side that Zoey is so greatly pulling out of him. I often wonder why I didn't have two boys; it just seemed like I would. I think I'm beginning to see one of the reasons why. Zoey's tiny features and wobbly walking stirs empathy and calmness in all of us (myself included) and her pleasant nature makes laughter more contagious and encourages more dance-a-thons.

But for my sweet people person son, she has really become a playmate and friend. I find them giggling behind couches and under cushions, reading books or driving around in his jeep. I know they'll go on wondrous adventures, those two.

And for this guy...his little person is developing more each day.
His spirit is ever ready to do more, see more, feel more, and learn more.
This week I've had a hard time keeping up with him. He's always on to the next thing, next adventure and idea. (sounds a lil bit like another male in our house)
For a while I felt like maybe I couldn't handle keeping up with him, maybe he needed more.
but then I remembered how brief childhood is and if not embraced, how much we would be missing. How many creative ideas used to be born in this age and are now limited to "classrooms" and monitored play and scheduled activities. I have nothing against preschool. I love it. But the kid will be in school for the next 16 years, maybe more. I don't want to lessen or cheapen him of his childhood experience at home, outside, at the park and zoo. Allowing him time and freedom to be 4 and nurture his relationship with his sister and to learn how to be alone and imagine exciting adventures all on his own too. Being okay with being alone has never been so lost as it is among us today and I just don't want to take that from him.

'cause this is it. this one short life that we have. I only have the privilege of having him home for the next 14 years. that's it. Can't believe our little goose is almost four already.