captivating

my parent's and sister came for a visit on labor day weekend. it was such a fun and relaxing weekend full of the beach, a fever for my Pop's, a birthday celebration, a lot of coffee, laughter and delicious food.

We found this beach where the otters were literally nearly swimming to the shore. They came so close to people (get out of the water, crazies!!) There were also pod of dolphins. So incredible.

this boy loves the ocean. once his body adjusts to the constant roar of the waves he settles in like a boy with his noise maker (he's slept with a noise maker since he was born.) and he just revels in the freedom to think and run and be on the sand. and he always finds a stick or seaweed or something.

Here is my dad who later that day would have a 101 fever (thanks to a little saliva gland infection) but he was a great sport and tried to make some memories despite his pain.

And dear sister Maggie who also got some time to reflect and be. 

see that little dot on the front right??? thats the otters! little family of them. 

a few weeks later we went back to a different beach and it was the first time i experienced what people describe as a spiritual experience and the ocean. i never quite believed them, but the beach was mostly empty and it was early enough to feel that cool breeze. the waves were strong and high and constant. john has taken the kids for a walk on the beach and i just sat and stared at the water. the waves never stopped raging with all their power and might. knowing that the water goes for miles and the kind of life that lives within those waters is something i can't comprehend. how can life be living in those waters and God still knows the depths of it? i found myself captivated by it's beauty and vastness and in awe of a God who can have that sort of control over the unpredictable and temperamental waves and yet He knows me and can love me with all my temperamental moods and emotions. I can't fathom that kind of love, I'm not capable of that kind of love. Directing the ocean and all it's beauty and still loving a quirky aging mama. Incredible.

This guy, who loves the ocean more than any one I've ever met, is well aware of the mystery and power of those waves. He has a healthy respect for it and won't go too near it but could stare at it for hours. 

rhythm of life (part 5..?)

We're finding our new rhythm, our little tribe. 

It's taken a while and it still has a long way to go, but the rhythm of life has shifted and I'm surprised how ill-prepared I feel.

I am learning that after school Jack needs a break from talking, people telling him what to do, when to do it and how much longer he has. He needs freedom to run and pretend and create. 

(I am totally realizing this now as I type) 

He isn't ready to cuddle and connect. 

Oh, but I am.

By 3:30 I've wondered several times how he is doing and what he's learning and what sort of hilarious things he's said. I am longing to hear who he played with on the playground and if any arguments broke out and why didn't he finish his lunch? ha.

I'm learning that my need for connection can't come before his need to breathe. (healthy boundaries, I say)

Jack's learning how much he likes girls. 

(wish I was kidding)

He's learning all the names of his favorite girls in his class (and they all seem to share the same hair color. Maybe there's a connection.) 

Last night he told me as he drifted off to sleep, "When I close my eyes I see her on the playground and she's sad because I told her I didn't want to play that. I'm going to go and tell her I'm sorry and that I want to play with her."

Oh, young love.

Zoey is learning how to play solo and create her own little stories with her little animal friends. She has reunited with nap time and today we went in for a speech evaluation. She has so much to say and just needs a little coaching on how to get there. The therapist surprised me, however, and didn't see the need for the intervention and just encouraged repeating phrases back to her and practicing our speech skills. Lucky for Zoey, I'm a little bit of an expert when it comes to chatting. I'll teach her what I can, but I know interacting with kiddos her age is going to be the best therapy and we're planning to do lots of that.

Zoey is also learning how she doesn't like sharks, snakes, or any kind of scary animal that may attack and kill a smaller animal. Today, during the speech evaluation the therapist was showing her pictures and she got to a picture of an animal and Zoey just lit up. She loves so fully, so well. When asked to say a word three times rather than get frustrated that her words didn't come out the same as the therapist she broke into a fit of giggles and thought it was hilarious. She looked at her reflection in that little mirror and just laughed it off.

These two love to reunite at the end of the day, but my. How good it is to grow on our own. To find our own two feet and experience life just ours. (it's not always fun for us social beings) but it is so good and necessary.

I pray they know Jesus is with them as they experience challenges, victories and trials all their own. That when they look back they see how He made them brave, strong and able to laugh when things are challenging. I pray they see us standing behind them, looking on and watching them walk all on their own to the class or the car at the end of the day and they know we see how grown up they are becoming. And how proud of them we are.

For it's beginning to hit me, the need to let go bit by bit and encourage that independence and allow the natural consequences to occur. 'cause everything in me wants to keep consequences so far from them (unless I am the one giving them, let's be real.) I'm a mama-bear, but I know its just the beginning of the rest of life for them. and it's good. even if i'm not there to comfort them when the consequences are painful. they've got this and more importantly Jesus has them.

our weekend routine

Now that Jack has started Kindergarten we are trying to find our new rhythm. One that can exist well with the busy weekends that go along with your daddy being a pastor. One that still allows for moments like these...

Granted, work-weekends are all this kiddo has ever known. And until this month we have enjoyed his Friday day off as our family day and tried to do something fun. Or run errands. Or stay in our jammies until 2pm, take your pick. 

But now that our pace is quickening and our schedules are filling (and will be for the rest of his time in our home) I find myself mourning the loss of carefree Fridays where there wasn't a places to be. But it's inevitable, that pace of life. And our boy has always thrived in a fast pace (he inherited that gift.) and this week has loved every school and all that it includes.

He has loved play time, recess time and snack time. He loves learning, meeting the other kiddos and making friends. I love watching him grow.

He did get his first bee sting yesterday. The First Bee Sting is a monumental moment for me. It's a big deal. And somehow in 5 years of life he has not once gotten stung, but he did yesterday. In effort to fight off the bee, he said. He was on the monkey bars and swung his legs in effort to hit it and, well, you can imagine what happened next.

When I heard that story I had such an array of feelings. I felt proud of him for handling his first war wound solo (he did tell me he cried. He doesn't cry a ton when he gets hurt, so it must have hurt badly.) and no one was there to help him so he had to go and find someone. I felt my stomach drop as I wished I had been there to see and comfort him while we put a bandaid on it. It was my first Mom Moment of the school year (probably not the last) being apart from my brave boy. I blubbered to John about it last night, thinking about him all alone on the playground, most likely in a pool of shameless cries as he has always been more afraid of getting a bee sting than the actual sting.  But more than that, I felt myself entering into this new season of life with my boy where he experiences so many, many things apart from me and that is how it's meant to be. He wasn't meant to be within eyeshot, earshot, (yell shot. just being honest.) forever. He's meant to cross those monkey bars, get a bee sting and cry and feel better on his own. He's ready. So begins the journey of him needing me less and less and as bittersweet as that is, it's time. It's meant to happen. 

It may just take me a few weeks (maybe years) to get used to, okay? 

And for the most part, Zoey enjoys being home. She misses her pal and playmate, but has loved starting to do little school things and has returned to her afternoon nap (thank You Lord!)

So we're finding it. Our groove, our rhythm, our ever-changing pace in life. This old mama has a harder time adjusting to the change, but I'm trying to embrace it.

the time with the mud

between 6 and 7pm the sun starts to descend and the air cools. it's one of our favorite times of the day.

the kids escape to the backyard and explore every inch of land that our fence holds. 

this particular day it was quiet. too quiet. but we were tired and if i remember correctly i was taking a 7pm snooze on the couch and the screen door was open to hear any chaos that may be happening. john was catching up on the news. we heard laughter but we weren't quite expecting this. and not jack, but zoey. somehow the binky joined the fun and somehow she had in caked in her hair. she wouldn't come out at first when i called her name. she was hiding from me. when she saw me i couldn't help but laugh. snap a picture and laugh. oh, kids.

but let's be real. we're in a drought! so of course the kids were told they couldn't play with whatever any more. 

day 1

Today our boy started Kindergarten.

Last night we had a little family feast (nothing special, just burgers and watermelon.) We shared our hopes for this year (very briefly cause there was chocolate cake to be had, people.) and at each turn Zoey was quick to say, "I in Kindergarten too!" or "What about me?"

He said he can't wait to wear his backpack and play on the playground at recess (though he has been informed he can't go on the monkey bars until he's in first grade. who knew?) Our little bird is having a hard time adjusting and just can't understand why/how Jack can go somewhere without her. They have become dear friends and each other's favorite playmate since we've moved. They create the best stories and are always onto the next adventure. I am excited to see how Zoey grows this year and the different areas she changes as she's able to have her own opinions without the strong influence of an older sibling. ha.

After an early start to the day (Jack has to be at school at 8:15 and its about a 20 minute drive.) Zoey has taken a nap (been a very long time since that) and Jack has had a quiet afternoon. They only went until 11am the first day, but tomorrow it's a full day of school and learning.

The imminent routine of school life has been taunting me all summer long as we sleep in every morning, stay up waaay too late and our days are full of a fun, easy going (and mostly free) pace. I know routine is good and that kids thrive on it and even I prefer it, but establishing the routine is the real burden and getting there takes a lot of sacrifice and choices. Right choices. But we'll establish it and I will embrace it, what else is there to do? ;)

And I am certain Zoeybird will learn to love life in her own skin. Meeting her new friends and going on little adventures all her own. But if she's anything like her mama, she'll always prefer the company of a good friend over that of flying solo. Maybe not, who knows.

But here goes, 2015. The beginning of something new. Let's not talk about the continued summer heat or that I still firmly believe school should not start until after labor day. We'll just roll with it.

kindergarten

Can it be? Are you really about to start Kindergarten?

Where has the time gone, my boy?

As I reflected on the upcoming life-change and monumental moment for my boy I couldn't help but wonder (and doubt, as I do. just being honest.) Have I taught him enough? not in the typical letters and numbers sort of way. The kid is an information vacuum and loves to learn. he's the same kid who asks questions like, "why does the moon change sizes? how do planes work? what were some of your mess ups as a kid?" 

but i wonder (or perhaps worry) have we practiced honesty enough? treating others the way you like to be treated? sweet Jack, we've practiced for the last five years how to use gentle hands, how to use words when we're upset, how to problem solve, find root emotions, sing songs to ward off bad moods and find comfort in blue blankets and bee bees (his beloved pacifier. RIP.) We've learned the joy of dance parties and bath time, Thomas the train, playmates, oreo eating, long walks and car-running in the house and/or backyard. we've practiced so much, my boy, and yet i can't help but wonder, are you ready? have we laughed enough? have we played pretend, read enough books together, taken enough naps together, made up stories, built forts, put together puzzles, created paint masterpieces and jumped through creeks enough?

have you tasted enough adventure? i'm sorry for how many times i've asked you to slow down or be careful, you know i just love you and want you to be safe, right? 

did we read up enough on how thunderstorms start and what an earthquake is? 

did i listen to your dreams?

did i draw your heart out enough? your tender, spirited little heart that has lots of feelings that you're learning to express well. 

i sure hope we did. i do love those moments with you.

you're getting faster, kiddo. your legs are strong and swift and your feet hit the ground at just the right beat. i watch you dart across yards, across monkey bars, down and up slides. i see you there, with never ending energy that only ends when your head hits that pillow. but oh, my boy, you will stay awake as long as i will sing and your questions just keep flowing. i see you dozing, your eyes getting heavy, but you come alive in those late night chats and every secret of the day unfolds and suddenly you have undivided attention (as your baby sister is long gone as soon as the lights are out. it is 10pm after all.) 

you ask, "are you old? i wish i could stay young forever."

and 

"i had a scary dream, do you want to hear it?"

or

"i wish mater was here."

and suddenly, those chats will have to be cut short as school starts and our wakeup call will be much earlier than the 9am you typically roll of out bed. 

i wonder, do you feel ready? do you know how life will change for the next several years? school starting marks such a beautiful beginning of independent life and i am so excited for your journey and to watch you grow and change.

time with you is precious, my son. and time is catching up to us and here we are. five years in and i love you more each day. being your mama is an adventure and never lacking excitement and laughter. you're funny and kind and know a good friend when you see one.

i see you, goose. 

i see you choosing good friends on the playground,

sharing that toy with Zoey,

creating incredible pretend play with your friends.

learning how to read and feeling deeply about the characters in the book or in a good movie,

singing your prayers to Jesus at night about how much you love Him and how big He is.

i see you, pal, using the coping skill of laughter to help someone feel better when they're sad. choosing to see the bright sad in tough situations and being protective and encouraging when things are tough. even when you're the one who is disappointed.

i can't wait to see you travel through this next adventure. to learn how to read and write, to learn about science and math and how to master those monkey bars. you will love it.

love you, goose. my wingman and the one who taught me how to be a mama. 

mama

some of my favorite songs that remind me of you: 

beautiful boy

blackbird

father and son

blue eyed son

the escape

this happened.

i hear giggling. i hear shuffling in a small tent. i see little feet poking out, kicking wildly.

and then silence.

i look inside the tent to find my two little rascals with a bag of jelly belly beans stuffing as many as possible into their tiny mouths. 

so, what do i do? 

naturally, i grab the camera and wait to take them until after i catch a couple moments.

i'm not sure who the ring leader was in this adventure. jackboy loves jelly beans, but birdie loves sweets  like i've never seen (since my own cravings when i am pregnant and/or nursing.) so it could have been her.

it really could have been. 

especially with her dangerous climbing skills that she has discovered.

the walk

This song.
So good.

//

The beautiful, spring weather is officially upon us. The allergies have mostly gone (or at least that's what I'm telling myself) and despite a couple sneezes in the morning and irresistibly itchy eyes (it just feels so good to itch them) the feel-like-I've-been-run-over-by-a-truck days seem to have passed. For now.

Though today after a fun outdoor playdate Jack came home and wanted to just "lay in his bed a while" and he did. Sniffling the whole time. Poor bug.

But I haven't wanted that to stop his exploration of the outdoors. His two-year-old endless energy seems to be shifting into this late three year old/early four year old more focused activity and dramatic play. (at least for this boy.) I'm trying to continue to encourage the running and jumping and getting breathless and sweaty. I was never a huge fan of the outdoors and maybe if I had been pushed a bit more I would enjoy it a little bit? Maybe? Eh, who knows. We do have quite a bit of fun with our after-dinner-dance parties. That always gets our heart rate up.

Oh, and our walks around the neighborhood.
The real reason why we purchased this home and the recharge and refresh it brings and we often need after a long day or week.
The views are simply breathtaking and make every juniper tree in our yard (the culprit of our dreaded allergies) worth it. To inhale the mountain air and get to the top of a hill and watch Jack run down like a free bird. It recharges us all and it's out our front door.

Our home is old and needs a lot of lovin' and it's a process (like everything?) John is a planner and a saver so that results in a lot of dreams and chats and drafts and slow progress.

That's okay, he happened to marry a woman who doesn't love change.
I lived with kitchen carpet for a year and a half. I can live with a 1970's stove for four.

Our bathrooms are all-original and are in need of repair, but other than that it's okay. It fits.

Jack has recently been talking a lot about the difference between old and new and how something old can be better than something new. And even what those words mean. He wants a "new" house, like the one in California? A different house? Or a newer house? We talk lots about old classics; old cars, old music, old people, trees and how things just often get better with age. I think he's getting it. I'm not always sure, but one thing is for certain. He is getting so much, sometimes I don't know how he can keep it all in his little brain. 

John loves fueling those thoughts and often their bedtime prayers turn into thorough stories and adventures full of cause and effect and life lessons tied in with Huckle and Lowlie the worm. He has so many questions, so much wonder and is so open to mirroring whatever you do and say. It is so crazy and scary to me sometimes.

One thing is for certain. Jack loves his Zoey. He is so concerned about her and her well being. Whether or not she is choking (a-hem, I may have been the cause of that, haha) or if she does something cute he's always the first to point it out "Look, Mama! Zoey did it!" 

Anyhow, back to the walk. Sorry, I get a little side tracked sometimes.

(p.s. Jack asked to wear this on the walk. I couldn't deny Santa jammie bottoms with sandals. I mean, who could?)

This is the view on our walk. It's definitely desert beauty and doesn't have a whole lot on deep green forests full of giant, ancient trees and water falls and creeks around every corner, but its what we got and we find beauty in it because to not be would be a life less lived.

The clouds capture a feeling of the breeze that day. It was just right.

At the end of our neighborhood is a giant property with young bulls and horses on it. It turns into gravel and we drive the dusty roads to this area. Our favorite spot is about to have a house built on it and maybe one day a gate keeping it closed. Whatever comes, it's beautiful. And in the summer? Full of these beautiful purple blossoms.

Jack stopped to draw on the ground and run his cars through the rocks and dirt. He wanted to find "clues" and match the print to what animal it could be. We told him it was a hoof print and so he drew his own prints.

I love the horse in the back ground trying to get in the shot too.

That was a fun day.

And this song is a good song too.