reflect

It's been a while.
It's becoming increasingly more difficult to keep up with this, but I really want to. Really want to have something to remember these years by.
They're growing so quickly and I'm trying to be present and not let my nostalgic-keepsake self take over.

I hope I can remember the feel of their little fingers on my shoulders.
Their little voices that say, "Mama! Mama!" and beg to be picked up and chased or tickled.

Or that fine, delicate baby hair that grows at different speeds and is just now long enough to pull into a pony tail. 

Those full moon sky eyes that radiate joy and trust and cheekiness.

And as summer's warmth slips away, along with it goes the monsoons and stormy skies.
Snow flurries are coming in the next couple of months and as each season changes I love it more and more.

This summer was especially green. Once the heat of June passed and after the loss of the Hotshots, it was as if the rains couldn't stop. They were too late, but in a way it felt like the city was mourning too, wishing it could go back in time and have been pouring that Sunday afternoon.

Sometimes it's hard to slow down enough to embrace the moments. To stop and rest and choose to see the small joys that could easily be overlooked.

Kiddos do make it easier. They enjoy the moments much better than I can (part of why I love them so.)

Here are a few things and moments that I've loved this summer.

Eating popcorn in the morning.

Displaying hand-picked wild flowers from my boy.

Making forts on the floor and reading books on blankets.

Watching these two develop a friendship.
Today I overheard Jack from another room give Zoey her toy back and say,
"Sorry I took that from you, Zoey."

Such empathy and kindness and tenderness has sprouted from my little guy. He's all adventure, spirit and energy, but there's this sensitive side that Zoey is so greatly pulling out of him. I often wonder why I didn't have two boys; it just seemed like I would. I think I'm beginning to see one of the reasons why. Zoey's tiny features and wobbly walking stirs empathy and calmness in all of us (myself included) and her pleasant nature makes laughter more contagious and encourages more dance-a-thons.

But for my sweet people person son, she has really become a playmate and friend. I find them giggling behind couches and under cushions, reading books or driving around in his jeep. I know they'll go on wondrous adventures, those two.

And for this guy...his little person is developing more each day.
His spirit is ever ready to do more, see more, feel more, and learn more.
This week I've had a hard time keeping up with him. He's always on to the next thing, next adventure and idea. (sounds a lil bit like another male in our house)
For a while I felt like maybe I couldn't handle keeping up with him, maybe he needed more.
but then I remembered how brief childhood is and if not embraced, how much we would be missing. How many creative ideas used to be born in this age and are now limited to "classrooms" and monitored play and scheduled activities. I have nothing against preschool. I love it. But the kid will be in school for the next 16 years, maybe more. I don't want to lessen or cheapen him of his childhood experience at home, outside, at the park and zoo. Allowing him time and freedom to be 4 and nurture his relationship with his sister and to learn how to be alone and imagine exciting adventures all on his own too. Being okay with being alone has never been so lost as it is among us today and I just don't want to take that from him.

'cause this is it. this one short life that we have. I only have the privilege of having him home for the next 14 years. that's it. Can't believe our little goose is almost four already.

train park

it was our little nephew aaron's birthday a couple of weeks ago.

jack and aaron are two peas in a pod. to see them together is both precious and full of nostalgic moment of the pure joys of being a kid.

jack's favorite place is the train park. he talks about often. to him, the train park is better than disneyland.

little miss didn't nap and was quiet lethargic the whole time.

which i'm not complaining about. 

since she started running she is all over the place kind of toddler. yesterday, she climbed up the drawers in our kitchen. 

she is tiny, but man, she is fierce. 

i love it.

this was their face every time the train would drive by.

sometimes i feel like the train park is a hidden gem in scottsdale. it's not often packed and there's a huge playground and like $2 train rides. it's incredible. 

whenever we are going into phoenix and see the palm trees, jack bursts out "look, mama! it's phoenix trees!" 

jack loves a good pinata. especially when it's a train.

and sorry, but this was my favorite picture of all. hi-larious. just a total candid shot of kids. 

Last week I was walking into our local grocery store when an older woman was pulling out in her crown victoria.

"Hey, watch it!" I shouted, a baby on my hips and tightly holding onto my three-year-old's hand.

She kept moving, slowly, and I yelled again.

"Watch where you're going! I have two kids here!"

She stopped, but didn't acknowledge that she saw me and talked to me through a closed window. I walked to her window and said again,

"Please watch where you're going. I have two kids with me."

"You were in my blind spot! People have a blind spot, ya know?!" She finally cracked the top of the window.

What was I going to do, jump in after her?

I walked away, fuming inwardly as my mama-bear nearly awoke after a long winter's nap. The double doors opened at the grocery store and what should await me but a lovely green mermaid. It was a day for a Pumpkin Spice Latte. The kids wheeled in the little car-cart and I had a little air to breath, get some groceries and sip on my warm latte. And finish it before it was cold.  I felt much better after the coffee pick me up.

All that to say, this afternoon, after a wild yet fun morning of playgroup and after lunch and before nap I saw Jack playing on the floor with his cars. He has a little map with parking spots and streets signs. From his position on his tummy I hear his little voice say,

"Hey! Watch where you're going! I have two kids here!"

to which he replied.

"Sorry, I didn't see you."

"Well, watch out!"

My jaw literally dropped and my heart sunk. I don't often call people out in public (that's my hubby's least favorite activity. Did not used to be mine.) but the one time I really had, with my kids, Jack heard the whole thing. Not just heard it, but remembered it and not just remembered it, but replayed it with his toy cars.



What else am I saying that he's mirroring? What other negative, complaining and hurtful things do I say that he takes in and saves for later?

These little people are sponges. I knew it before, but now I see it again and again. They mimic everything we do. Which is kind of cute, but kind of-really intimidating as well.

I don't want to mess my kid up any more than I have to. Words are powerful. Looks and attitudes and tones affect people far longer than we think and I'm reminded (and humbled) once again that I need to watch what I say, how I act and the attitude that lingers long after I thought he'd notice.



So since that day, since I allowed my attitude to come out like a bear in spring, I've noticed it with other people. With the old people who shoot dirty looks at toddlers at a Wendy's on a Wednesday afternoon, with fast drivers that don't come to a complete stop at the stop sign, and with my husband who isn't coming out to the car fast enough. This entitled attitude that wants to say a lot of things that aren't very nice.

But that's not who I want to be, or who Jesus wants me to be....or who I long for our kids to be.



It's a tough job, this whole mama business. They watch everything we do and while we're allowed to be human and are far from perfect, it still settles in the back my mind. What version of me do I want him to mirror? The entitled, annoyed version of myself or the new creation, Jesus filled version? Because I don't think Jesus would have yelled at anyone in the parking lot (even if they were kind of close to backing up over them.)

Which then leads me to wonder...who do I want to be? Who do I want to mirror? I read this from a friend and it's my heart's prayer.

I have been reached out to, so I should reach out.
I have been shown mercy, so I should be merciful.
I have been forgiven, so I should forgive.
I have been loved, so I should love.
I have been humbled, so I should serve.
I have been included in the family of God, so I should include others in His family.
I have been taken care of, so I should take care of.
I have been shown truth, so I should share truth.
I am made new, so I should make new.
I have died and risen again with new, eternal life, so I should not fear, not even death.

sick little bird

Zoey has been sick over the weekend. I wish I could say that when my kids become sick I turn into this:



But instead, I turn into this:



Ok, that's a little extreme, but funny none the less.
Sometimes I have Marmee potential, but when it comes to vomit or the runs, I am a mess. I just run around trying to find rags and get that smell out of my nose while John gently consoles our little one; vomit all over his shoulder. That's kind of how we work though, he and I. I clean up and disinfect (which he appreciates) while he cuddles and comforts and aids with a sip of water.

I did take one for the team though. Around 3am, rocking my sweet girl who then puked all over me. Of course then I called for backup, but for a minute I was alright.

Maybe I'll mature into a Marmee-type. Maybe one day vomit won't suddenly make me feel like I, too, am about to throw up everywhere and I can hold back the hair, gently scratch the back and then stroke their hair while they sleep.

Yeaaaah. Probably not.

Sorry, kids. I have some strengths, but dealing with puke may not be one of them.
But I am always up for a good old fashioned sick day. Sheets on the couch, pillow, comfies all day, whatever you want to watch and whatever you'd like to eat. I'll comfort you, stroke your hair and read you as many books as you would like.
Just please don't throw up on me.

love,
Mom

now

Some days there just isn't enough time.

Some days I feel kind of restless, distracted, consumed by social media or the newest thing that I forget these moments.

I long to be an alive-in-the-moment type of person. I can feel myself learning how (this book has helped) but sometimes discontentment is bred by the smallest of things and I am heading down a road of "wish I had's" and "wouldn't it be nice if's." and before I know it, I've lost sight of the now once again.

I'm also very sentimental and find myself reflecting on the past with longing sighs as if somehow I could be transported back in time. 

I dream about my childhood and movies, shows, toys, and dollies that were just as vital to my childhood as any living person.

But still, the past is gone and the future is out of my hands and all that really leaves me with is the now.

and Now, for us, means taking the time to color and paint with the kids and read books and make up stories and build forts on the couch.

the Now is rocking Zoey for just a minute longer so I can kiss her hair and feel her tiny hands around my arms.

the Now is laying down with Jack before nap and asking how he is doing and what we can thank Jesus for.

the Now is date nights and taking the time to embrace our youth and going for family walks and cuddling on the couch after the kids have gone to bed.

'cause so fast its gone. and then it's a whole new Now that will look different and feel different.

my hope is to love each season of life. embrace it, live in it, love it and do whatever it takes to be content. which is, obviously, way harder than it sounds.

song for the mornin'

"Oh! Great is our God! So we should worship greatly!!
No song is too loud! No orchestra too stately
To hail the majesty of our King
So lift your voices loud as we sing

Oh! Great is our God! So let our songs be endless!!
So awesome His ways, how could we comprehend them?
So we will make it known to our kids
And we will sing about the gracious gifts you give

We will sing your praise and pour forth your fame
We will bless your name
Let every one give thanks, because our God is great!

Oh! Great is our God! And we cannot contain it!
We sing from our souls, affected by His greatness
His mercy covers all that Heʼs made
Showing His glory and His grace"

nap time

i love capturing an afternoon nap or saturday morning wake up calls.

thanks to motherhood i have become an early riser and savor my still, slow, quiet mornings alone with my warm cup of coffee, journal and a good book. even if it's just for ten minutes. 

my man still loves his sleep. he's a night owl and will often be up a full hour after i've dozed off (light on and all) and i try to let him savor that morning sleep a bit too.

though that doesn't always happen. like this morning when i found him totally asleep, all the lights on (courtesy of jack) while both kids jumped in zoey's crib. 

our kids haven't caught on to our morning routines and wake up at different times and with different needs. imagine that.

but there is always always time for a snuggle. even while still asleep.

oh, there he is. wakin' up too. 

these two love a good nap, a good cuddle and way-too-warm sleeping conditions for my hot blooded self.