08 April 2005

"The more I see of the world, the less inclined I am to think well of it."

I wanted to write something somewhat personal, but I reckon I won't be able to really come up with anything but surface level things because...thats all I seem to want to come up with really, but I did hear this song today and it lightened my heart a bit, and made me smile. My dear friend Bonnie D. once sent these lyrics to me and they remind me of her I reckon maybe in the same way they remind her of me:

Cat Stevens - The Wind
"I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul
Where I'�ll end up well I think,
Only God really knows
I'�ve sat upon the setting sun
But never, never never never
I never wanted water once
No, never, never, never

I listen to my words but
They fall far below I let my music take me where
My heart wants to go I swam upon the devil�s lake
But never, never never never
I�ll never make the same mistake
No, never, never, never"

It's been a hard week. Everything seems to be out of my grasp and I imagine that is exactly how the Almighty likes it...(side note, when I wrote that it made me think of: "Is your father a ghost, or do you converse with the Almighty?" haha.) But seriously, and yes, I was attempting to obtain some sort of seriousness. I puked all day yesterday and when I was finished doing that I watched the new and loved and enjoyed "Pride and Prejudice" a film I have been warned about but never have seen and yet I wonder, does a Mr. Darcy exist only in that old, ancient time in England? Oh no, I do reckon I have met a Mr. Darcy but he was not nearly as praise-worthy as this character was, although he dared to portray himself in such a manner. People often hide themselves and conceal who they are for fear of being rejected. Of course we are all guilty of such behaviour, but sometimes, I wonder what makes us go in that direction of life? What possesses our young minds to do this? For some, like the youngest sister, Lydia, this is a rare occurance, but for others...like Elizabeth, or even Mr. Darcy, this seemed to happened again and again? And I think, I fear, that I am like that as well, trying to conceal who I really am in effort to avoid being hurt, but even when you do such a thing...you still hurt yourself. For if it isn't people hurting you, then it is most definitly you hurting yourself. Whether by thoughts, self indulgment, or mostly self pity. So there. Tomorrow, I am determined to change this way about me. I am tired of hiding behind myself for fear that people won't like this inner me that I can't deny. It's impossible, and what is there left to do? ...well, "Run mad as often as you choose but do not faint."

So we avoid fainting, or what I like to call, the way of "swooning" and falling typically, seriously, yet annoyingly in love with love. That's the bottom line.

Tomorrow I hope to embark on this new adventure filled with new friendship, new openness, and a new heart that is willing to let Jesus open it again...for I fear it has become so embittered and hard and caloused that there is no way for it to be opened. Yet there is always hope, and that hope I cling to...

...I was listening to a song on the soundtrack to "The Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind" and it was number 21, I do believe, and I figured it out on the piano and its fun...it's a beautiful little tune.

So maybe it became a bit more personal then I had planned, but thus is life, I imagine.


Maggie said...

You have met a Mr. Darcy?

Well I do love that movie. Who was that Mr. Darcy I wonder. What all did you have in your grasp? Do you ever wonder what you can have in your grasp or just wonder what the Lord has in store for you the next day? Well just some weird questions that I wanted to ask you.


Anonymous said...

mel you just pretty much kill me and i miss you like you wouldn't believe. Thanks so much for writing what you have.

Jacob's Rachel said...

Most dearest friend, I cana tell you how good it was to talk to you last night!!! Finaly...sorry it took so long to get into proper conversation. Mel although your imagination runs wild just like mine you always seem to ground me. You and Soteria seem to be the best at that!! Its wonderful to see the wisdom that God is imparting upon you...things that can sometimes take people half thier lives to learn. Mel also I dont think that you are hard and calous....you are a gentle soul, weather you know it or not.You have spiritual gifts that are speacial only to you and only you can use them for God's glory. I love ya pal and you shouldnt be afraid to let everyone see the brilliant lass that ye are!!! :) Talk to you sooner rather than later I hope! Ratch

This Is My Story said...

It's impossible, and what is there left to do? ...well, "Run mad as often as you choose but do not faint."

That's my favorite quote, ever! It's so cool you quoted it. :-)

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