"The more I see of the world, the less inclined I am to think well of it."

I wanted to write something somewhat personal, but I reckon I won't be able to really come up with anything but surface level things because...thats all I seem to want to come up with really, but I did hear this song today and it lightened my heart a bit, and made me smile. My dear friend Bonnie D. once sent these lyrics to me and they remind me of her I reckon maybe in the same way they remind her of me:

Cat Stevens - The Wind
"I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul
Where I'�ll end up well I think,
Only God really knows
I'�ve sat upon the setting sun
But never, never never never
I never wanted water once
No, never, never, never

I listen to my words but
They fall far below I let my music take me where
My heart wants to go I swam upon the devil�s lake
But never, never never never
I�ll never make the same mistake
No, never, never, never"

It's been a hard week. Everything seems to be out of my grasp and I imagine that is exactly how the Almighty likes it...(side note, when I wrote that it made me think of: "Is your father a ghost, or do you converse with the Almighty?" haha.) But seriously, and yes, I was attempting to obtain some sort of seriousness. I puked all day yesterday and when I was finished doing that I watched the new and loved and enjoyed "Pride and Prejudice" a film I have been warned about but never have seen and yet I wonder, does a Mr. Darcy exist only in that old, ancient time in England? Oh no, I do reckon I have met a Mr. Darcy but he was not nearly as praise-worthy as this character was, although he dared to portray himself in such a manner. People often hide themselves and conceal who they are for fear of being rejected. Of course we are all guilty of such behaviour, but sometimes, I wonder what makes us go in that direction of life? What possesses our young minds to do this? For some, like the youngest sister, Lydia, this is a rare occurance, but for others...like Elizabeth, or even Mr. Darcy, this seemed to happened again and again? And I think, I fear, that I am like that as well, trying to conceal who I really am in effort to avoid being hurt, but even when you do such a thing...you still hurt yourself. For if it isn't people hurting you, then it is most definitly you hurting yourself. Whether by thoughts, self indulgment, or mostly self pity. So there. Tomorrow, I am determined to change this way about me. I am tired of hiding behind myself for fear that people won't like this inner me that I can't deny. It's impossible, and what is there left to do? ...well, "Run mad as often as you choose but do not faint."

So we avoid fainting, or what I like to call, the way of "swooning" and falling typically, seriously, yet annoyingly in love with love. That's the bottom line.

Tomorrow I hope to embark on this new adventure filled with new friendship, new openness, and a new heart that is willing to let Jesus open it again...for I fear it has become so embittered and hard and caloused that there is no way for it to be opened. Yet there is always hope, and that hope I cling to...

...I was listening to a song on the soundtrack to "The Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind" and it was number 21, I do believe, and I figured it out on the piano and its fun...it's a beautiful little tune.

So maybe it became a bit more personal then I had planned, but thus is life, I imagine.