27 November 2005

Time...on my mind...

Well, it's been a good long while since I've written anything in this. Maybe it's a good thing, or maybe not. But either way, I have been inspired somehow. I don't have a lot to say, haha...when do I not have something to say? No, but seriously. I saw one of the funniest things the other day. I saw a stranger walking next to me. (not that this is abnormal, but...) It was dark and the ground was covered in a thick layer of ice. We all looked like we were waddling penguins or something. Anyway. We were waddling down the darkened street and a kid passed me. Okay, he was maybe 18 or 19 years old and he had a little acne (something that Ukrainians often point out) and he had a little tire-like roll around his waist. He looked insecure and melancholy and I watched him cross the street in front of us. I watched him as we walked a few yards apart from each other the entire way home. He had a cigarette in his right hand. I waited to for him to take a puff, but nothing. It sat in his hand. Occasionally he brought it up to his lips, but only to exhale quickly and return his hand to his side. I laughed out loud. How hard and tiring it must be to fit into an image that one is told to be. But then again, isn't that what we all are doing? I was listening to a lecture this morning from a guy that taught at Capernwray. He was talking about the freedom we have in Christ and if we are so "free" in Christ, why do we continue sinning? And do we know that while we continue to sin we are are not as "free" as we might want the "freedom" to make us feel, but rather we are a slave again to sin? So, I kept thinking...how is it possible not to sin? Is it possible? I don't know. I think that it's normal, and I think that no matter how hard we try not to, we will. I am not saying that because that kid was smoking that means he was sinning. I don't even know the guy! But I do know what it feels like to follow something because I believe it will bring me happiness and to do something because I want to be "free" when in reality all I feel inside is like I am being chained down to a life that wears me out. So what's the answer? Where's the refuge? I think it's just resting in Him. Brennan Manning wrote once that all we have to do is rest in the lap of our Abba and listen to His heartbeat. To just trust Him.
I do wonder, however, how much money that kid wastes on a pack of cigarettes just to play a role that he is told he should play. Especially because he doesn't inhale but just lets it rest on his side...for decoration maybe. Only God knows.


Kristina said...

it's good to hear your thoughts again.
Have you read my blog lately? I put something on there as a tribute to you.
Be well.
Love you lots,

Anonymous said...

how i long for damien RIGHT NOW.

thekate said...

Mel, you are wonderful. I wish I could've been walking down that street with you so I could've heard your thoughts right then and there, live and in person. Someday, someday.
God gave you such heart and such a mind...

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