grace

little Miss isn't quite so little anymore.

Birdie stopped nursing last Sunday night (April 28) and hasn't looked back. It was natural and time and she didn't even seem to want it anymore. I nursed her once in the wee hours of that Monday morning, but she was over it and was ready for lots of ice cream and chicken nuggets. It was that moment when I realized she was ready and thank you Lord it was then because John was out of town for a week and that's always extra hard when you're not getting a full night's rest and keeping up with two little ones.

It's like she grew over night. Her little self is so fun and easy going and those last few baby-looks are nearly gone. She's taken a couple of steps, though not fully walking and eats like there is no tomorrow.

I still can't believe the serious differences between her and her brother. There are some similarities. They both like to make each other laugh, love to be tickled, like to cuddle with a blanket and pacifier, love splashing in the bath and greeting daddy when he walks in the door.

But at the same time, they are so very different. Which I am thankful for. I love a good character and depth and dynamics of the character. So thankful they both seem to have big personalities full of quirks and enthusiasm. The best kind.

Zoey loves to eat and will try almost anything we offer her (if she's hungry enough.) She recently informed me that she loves scrambled eggs (something Jackboy won't even touch) and last night ate a whole helping and a half of chicken parmesan. She's a girl after my own heart. I try to give her healthy foods too, but Trader Joes makes these little ice cream cones. Cutest thing ever. Just her size. She digs it.

She will eat the entire thing. No joke. Girl doesn't hold back. She can handle the extra calories, I think.

She loves oatmeal, string cheese, ham, grilled cheese and cheese quesadillas. She wakes up hungry and loves a hearty breakfast. She also loves drinking out of her brother's sippy cup. Every time.

Jackboy, our sweet selective eater, will only eat an ice cream cone in desperate measures. Like when he's hot and needs a cooling down. Even then it's not his go-to dessert. He's just like his daddy.

I've been avoiding dairy since last year and so ice cream is a rare treat. I miss it, I do and last week I had my first Snickers blizzard that I've had in a while and man, it was so good.

Dairy, I miss you. I wish we could still be friends. But my tummy is so much happy without you around.

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It was hot last week. Warm and sunny, so not too hot. This week a cold, cloudy front has come in and I'm thankful for the last taste of 65 degree weather. I do love it so.

Zoey has fallen in love with outside and will crawl on pine needles and dirt and rocks if she can get where she wants to go. I love seeing her daring self. She also loves to color and will sit with crayons and draw on pages. Another Jack just never seemed interested in, still isn't.

I am so, so thankful I get to be these two kiddo's mama. How underserving I feel to nurture their little spirits and guide them through this broken world. My heart longs to never, ever raise my voice again or tell them one more time "just a minute." But I will fail again, I will hurt their feelings or hear Jack say, "let's not be mean guys, mama. Let's be nice guys." again. I know I'll mess up and lose my patience again. I'm human. And yet oh, how perfect and beautiful His grace is that covers over those mistakes. That makes all things new. That tomorrow (or even a minute later) we can start again, start fresh, ask for forgiveness and try again. I'm far from perfect and never will be, but I can always, always apologize and try again.

Just like in beautiful written song Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford and Sons,

"It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
but you say that's exactly how this grace thing works
It's not the long walk home
that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart."

Jack is always so quick to forgive. I'll go to him, usually when he's sitting on his bed and tell him I'm sorry for yelling or whatever had just happened. Sometimes I really need to say it, to hear myself it, even if I don't mean it yet. Other times, as much as I want to apologize I know it was part of setting healthy boundaries with him that will later lead to his boundaries and helping shape him as a little person. I still affirm the love and on occasion he's told me, "Mama, you need to say sorry." To which I try to explain that I'm not sorry and I love him too much to let him behave like that.

But on the days when I know I'm tired or frustrated or annoyed (often times at something that has nothing to do with him) I sit next to him, hug him and tell him I'm sorry and ask if we can start over and try again.



"It's okay, Mama. We all make mistakes." He responds and he's back to his usual self. Oh, such grace. I know it might not always be there. The realities of life and the depths of hurtful things said and did sometimes make it so hard to forgive and show grace. Often times I don't want to show it when people hurt me. Even if time has passed and it's over with, there's still that place inside me that's tender and sensitive and vulnerable it hurts to think about. Places that if I go to them on my own, I can't forgive or heal it or let it go. I am so thankful He can. I am so thankful His grace can cover it when I know I'll never be able to.



I pray my kiddos learn that kind of grace. His grace and how to show it to others. What freedom to show grace when others do you wrong or let you down. I pray I can learn it too.

on how to savor sleep

today is overcast.

my favorite. my sweet spot. i could bathe in overcast days. 

i know, that kind of means i am in the wrong state. and i'm sure if i lived anywhere else my sweet days would include lots of sunshine and a cool breeze. 

but for this season, with windows on each wall in our main room, i love cloudy days. jack and i often watch the trees dance with the wind and the clouds rolling by or rolling in. mostly rolling by, we don't get much rain.

it's so easy for people to compare our kiddos to john. he's a pastor. they see his lovely, handsome face most sundays annnnnd the kiddos do look quite a bit like him. those cute noses.

but zoey has so many john-qualities in her physique. her long fingers, double jointed thumbs, perhaps getting ready for drawing and painting. she has long toes like her daddy's too and this long and lean body that might be great for dancing or running.

who knows. but, she is her daddy's daughter and when they sit together you can really see those similarities.

my sweet girl, the last few nights have been rough. she's completely done nursing during the day, but at night it's like she comes alive. this has been going on since she was six months old and she just doesn't crave sleep. she's good to go in the morning. she's finally settling into a long afternoon nap, but the night-life partying is exhausting. for about a week she was doing really good and only waking once or not at all. as i try to cut out the night feedings all together it's like she can sense it and wants just one more cuddle, one more ounce (or drop?) of milk and just to be next to me. it's so precious and when i go in to get her in the middle of the night most frustration leaves me as soon as she cuddles up and sighs.

i try to hold her close and wean her from nursing to sleep and instead offer rocking or singing or walking around the room. most nights she doesn't really want or need much, but just prefers to talk to herself for an hour so. crying out every so often. when i go in to pick her up she starts humming softly as i rock her. haha. what can you do?

so we'll see. i keep thinking "tonight will be the night. she'll sleep solid." because it has to happen eventually, right? i mean, every kid sleeps eventually.

around 4am i finally sent john in there because i had just fallen back asleep. he went in there for a long time (i slept great, thanks for asking.) and when he returned she was fussing again.

"i have no idea what she needs." he shook his head.

i went in, we cuddled, we nursed and she was out til 8am.

she does this thing where when i lay her in her bed she'll fold her body in half and curl up with her blanket (sometimes several) binky and her bear in the corner of her crib. i'm not sure why the body fold, but it is cute. i'll take it.

oh, sweet child of mine, please sleep soundly from 8pm-8am. i love you. i love being with you. but i promise it's a good thing to sleep. you'll miss it when you're in high school and have to go to school. believe me.

zoey has fallen in love with outside. i can't wait until she's walking and our desert habitat won't be dangerous with all it's rocks and dirt. as soon as she's more comfortable i'm gonna let her go for it, crawling and all.

she particularly loves the swing.
jack does too.
i love watching them swing together.
jack asks me to push him high and yesterday when i did, he leaned back and nearly fell off the swing. i was startled and once we slowed him down his face was covered in a huge grin. i asked if he was okay. "yeah, mom. i'm okay!" i felt his chest and his heart didn't feel like it was beating too hard. kids.

summer is approaching, but it's not here yet. i am looking forward to afternoon monsoons and long evenings on the back porch. so very thankful for this adventure.