to zoey

my little bird…

I feel like i've uncovered a great secret. i imagine you must miss your jack during the day when he is at school, but my, how i love spending the mornings with you. you are flourishing in your new one on one role and i love hearing your thoughts from across the room, at the store and from the carseat. i love hearing your little stories you create with your animals and the conversations you're creating. i love listening to you sing while you color (they go hand in hand, after all.) and watching your creations unfold as you paint.


I listened last week as you told me how you're ready to have your sister home from Haiti. That you miss her so much and want to tickle her little toes. You want to feed her and no one else can hold her. (your exact words.) I love how big your heart is, little one. So full, so overflowing, all the time.

I hugged you when you came running towards me at chick-fil-e when you buried your little face in my neck and sobbed because "no one wanted to be your friend." (which isn't exactly true since you had only been in there about five minutes.) but you still wept and your tender little sensitive heart nearly broke at the thought of not being liked. (oh, dear one, hang on tight. that's a tough weakness to have.)

i love seeing your brave face when you're scared, i love hearing you tell me "i shy." when the lady checking us out at sprouts says hi and waves.

you're so caring and protective of your older brother. you stand up for him if he's ever in trouble and sometimes that can backfire (like with that one babysitter. we won't talk about that.)

You are kind, strong, brave and beautiful. You love anything pink and sparkly and if there's a butterfly on it, you want to wear it. You love to imagine you're a puppy and Jack can talk you into doing most things, though when you're done playing cars for the hundredth time, you are done.

You hold your own and stand tall. I love you when you're tired, pouting or talking back. I love it when you cuddle up and ask me to sing "mine baby" (also known as baby mine) I love how you sing along and how I find you singing it to your stuffed animals. You almost know the words by heart now and I never knew you would love that song so much. I love how you love life, little one. You're a girl after my own heart. Never lose your sense of wonder, excitement and joy.

Thank you for showing me grace when I lose my temper and for still wanting to do the ugga-mugga nose tickle before bed. Always be yourself.

love,
Mama

birdie

I write a whole lot about our Jackboy. He's always bursting into new seasons of life and I follow him, sometimes willingly and sometimes dragging my feet. Each stage is a new learning curve for the whole family. We've never had a 5-almost-6-year old. We're newbies every single day. (bless those first borns. bless you.) We try all our new parenting tactics out on his precious heart and sometimes it's a win and sometimes it's an unfortunate (and apologetic) fail on our parts. With Zoey, we adapt, but it's not the first time. When it's a hard day I say to John, "don't you remember when Jack went through this?" or "she's responding so different than Jack." And we laugh and reminisce and say a thankful prayer that we're not newbies with our dear second born.

Thus, the reason why I started writing in the first place (other than to document and reflect on this journey called motherhood) was to help balance the feelings of what-on-EARTH-is-happening with the these-moments-pass-so-quickly. 

And yet, I want our little Birdie girl to look back and see her milestones reflected on as well.

like the moments when she smiles at me and says, "I brave, Mommy."
or when she sees a new dress I got her and claps her hand over her mouth. "oh, my goodness! it's beautiful!!" she squeals in the highest pitch voice you ever did hear.

I also love hearing her little vocabulary grow and develop. We still have a few milestones to reach on that and we will keep working hard, but every day I hear a new word I didn't hear before and thanks to her and her brother's imaginative play, their dialogue has gone from a few words to puppy playmates. (they're currently pretending they are adventure puppies in the next room.) He's so good for her and she for him. They tend to each other's little friendship soul and encourage one to be a bit more rough and the other to be a little more gentle.



Zoey is fiercely loyal to her big brother and can often be found defending him on the playground, "don't you say that to my BRUVER! you a monster!" And a smack may or may not follow.

Or recently, when we tried out a new babysitter (it did not go well.) and she informed us when we got home that she is concerned about our little girl because she tried to choke this babysitter. In defending her brother who was getting in trouble. I'm not saying it was right, but I am saying that to be scared of this petite 3 year old is funny all in itself.

She's spunky and sassy and sweet and sensitive. She's nurturing and cuddly and loves to sing and dance.

I think the hardest thing to watch during this move was the way she's grown to dislike babies. She's not as forward as Jackboy is and tends to keep to herself for a little bit. Her feelings have been hurt so many times in meeting new friends and one can only be called a "baby" so many times. She toughs it out and keeps going back into the ring, but I see her reject little babies who she used to welcome with open arms. Maybe its part of her age and development, but she doesn't want to be a baby and doesn't want to play with babies. Maybe it's just a phase.

They may or may not have come up with a game at Chick Fi Lay called Team Rocket. Which they decided meant to push babies.

I can't make this stuff up.

I love watching her grow and become more of a little girl every day as the toddler phase slowly leaves us. Though I am glad I can still carry her when she's sleeping or cuddle her when she's sad.

The other day she watched Dumbo for the first time. When Baby Mine came on she yelled my name over and over. "Mom! it's your song!" I don't sing it to her every night, but when she was a little baby I used to sing it to her all the time. I rushed in so we could watch it together. (and then proceeded to have a good cry for that moment and other goodbyes to birth mom's that breaks my heart.) She hasn't asked to watch that movie again and I don't blame her. Why is it so sad?


songs that remind me of you, little Bird.

little zoey

There once was this little peanut who stole my heart with her tiny person. Her delicate features, mannerisms, kind heart and spunky personality drew people in everywhere she went.

She smiled at strangers, admired babies, loved every animal big, small, dangerous or…no longer living.

She loved to stay up late, our little night owl, and had moved permanently into her big brother's room to sleep on his trundle every night. She is a loyal friend and will tell you all sorts of stories, even if at three years old you can only understand so much. She is a little entertainer and will dance circles around the family room, spinning in an arms out-legs out stance.

She laughs, makes jokes, already learned that farting will make people laugh and any sort of "butt" comment will get a giggle from her brother.

Zoey, our little girl, you are growing so quickly. We love you so.

growing

Where have you gone, little ones? 

You're saying all sort of fun things like 

"baby"

"mama"

"dadddy!"

"ball" 

"jack-jack"

"bubbles"

"bye-bye"

"hello"

"beebee"

"blankee"

you love to cuddle with your blanket and baby. you already nurture, care for, feel empathy for crying babies, hug new friends, run away from strangers, cling to my hip like a little monkey and ask for more candys every time we pass the cupboard.

you are sassy and adventurous; climbing couches and dressers and playhouses. you run and fall a hundred times, but you don't mind. you get right back up. unless you see your daddy, than all you want is for him to hold you.

you already make fun noises and laugh at yourself or if we're laughing you join in. 

you love to color and draw, lying flat on your tummy.

you love to put hats on and bracelets and shoes.

your hair sometimes is in your face, when you first wake up.

you've learned to use both hands to move it away, even if it's connected by boogers.

you love to snuggle up and lately i can hear your tiny voice saying

"mama. mama."

and when daddy walks in the door,

"daddy!"

you make our hearts melt.

you are my little sunshine. i love you, zoeybird.

jack,

you started telling me stories about

jack in the beanstock

singing songs like 

"rock, crank, zing!" (really original)

loving daniel tiger's neighborhood

learning beatle's songs and bible songs 

loving on your sister and talking in your sweet, high voice to her.

nurturing her.

protecting her.

laughing with her and tickling her.

you run barefoot in the backyard.

take baths and have started to pretend.

you sing songs and make us laugh with jokes like 

"zoey, if you don't stop crying i'm going to throw you out the window!"

(that was a one time joke, of course.)

your heart, my dear boy, is changing and developing. i can already see you are

curious

loyal

desire justice and fairness

will play with anyone-however old

will greet anyone you meet, anywhere.

will always first say to them "cars! trucks! trains!"

and lately,

"hi. i'm Jack! do you wanna play with me?"

i've also discovered how much you love one-on-one time. 

you like to walk around the library together. get bagels. sing our favorite song (some nights)

get a car at goodwill and you are really great company.

i love being with you.

hearing your thoughts and your heart.

answering your questions (even when you are very certain you know the answer)

and just being near you.

you are kind. you are special. just the way you are, my jackboy.

mama-day (a couple of weeks late)

3 years ago, this little man made me a Mama.

Those moments were so vulnerable, so heart warming and so beyond my post-birth comprehension, I really wasn't sure what was going on. I had no idea how to be a mom to a tiny, completely needy baby and was scared to death. I was in love and so, so full of joy, but I was scared. Even the look on my face is like "Wow, look at this cool thing. Did it really come out of me? What do I do now? Where does he go? How do I DO this?!" haha.

I wish I could say those first few months were easy. That he slept and ate and that was about all. That he never cried and slept through the night by 6 weeks.

But ya know, I can't. Because the mom's who say that, might not be completely honest and also because that's just not how it went down.

And I'm okay with it. 

In those 12am, and 3am, and 5am feedings I felt like I was thrown in the deep end and like someone's mom needed to come get their baby, haha. But it bonded us, it thrust me into motherhood, every single ounce of me. I had no choice.

I fought for that bond with my first born, I knew it was there and fought through the mugginess of hormones and exhaustion and adjustment in our marriage. I fought for that beautiful moment that mom's talk about when they place the baby in your arms. I knew it existed, but honestly, I wasn't feelin' it. I loved him, but that kind of love; the depth of that kind of love was beyond my understanding.

Mostly though, I fought through my intense selfish nature because man, I had no idea how selfish I was until I had a baby. I thought I was a fairly giving person, but I had no idea what giving looked like. Until him. 

He entered my world and has not stopped rockin' it. I love it, I do. And I wouldn't trade one single thing. Not even the middle of the night feedings (up until he weaned) or the spirited nature he carries with him. As he's grown, I've grown and it's like Jesus has given me this mini-person to remind that "yeah, mel. you do that too. only in a more age appropriate way. (sometimes)" because I totally have my own kind of meltdowns. I do.

Jesus used Jack to gently heal our hurting hearts and calm those fears of wonder if we'd ever be able to have a baby. He used his birth to remind me that I don't need to be in control and as adventurous and noble as a natural birth is, there's no need for me to do that when modern medicine is so amazing. He used his nature to remind me (again and again) to show grace. To love and cuddle an extra minute so that when those moments are gone (because they go, so fast.) I can look back and know that I hugged him as long as he would let me and comforted him rather than letting him cry alone. I try to remind myself (and John does too) that we're all works in progress. That this job as a Mama is hard, really hard and many times a day I feel like I've totally failed and officially ruined my kid. But there's always that reminder in the back of my head "we're all a work in progress, our kids and ourselves. Give us grace to start a day new."

One thing is certain. My boy is a great first born. He is strong, independent, fierce, brave, spirited, hilarious, fun-loving, friendly, fast, passionate and gracious. He was so worth waiting for, so worth bonding with and I am so thankful to be his mama.

//

Our sweet Zoey is another story, but she also made me a mama in a completely different life altering way. 

I really love friendship. I love what it means to sit down for a cup of coffee (or tea as a little girl.) I love sharing life, stories, hurts and triumphs. That being said, when I found out I was having a girl a deep fear rose within me. I was pretty certain I was/is gonna mess her up. I'm gonna want to be her friend and she won't want that and than she's going to resent me and we'll be dysfunctional and on and on. I was afraid in effort to try to be her friend I would hurt her, or she would hurt me and I'm a sensitive soul deep down. Ok, not too deep down, who am I kidding? I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve. 

But after some incredible counseling and guidance on how to live in freedom and a life of healthy boundaries, I began to really embrace this beautiful miracle of a baby girl. I still sometimes wonder how we'll do when she's a teenager or when she she gets her first heartbreak and mostly I wonder how I'll one day let her go, but today I know that God's grace covers that and He knows how it will go. Today I just love on her little self because I can already tell that she is sensitive and is meant to be protected and cherished.

All that to say, girls do still scare me. Seeing 6 year old girls scares me. 6 year old boys, not so much. Not because girls are better or more desired than boys or anything, oh no. It just takes motherhood to this next level. Boys are a lot of hands on work and there's still such a huge responsibility, but girls. Man, somehow I carried on my own shoulders this responsibility that my girl would have a good handle on her self confidence, be comfortable in her own skin, show grace to others, love the out-siders that need a friend and yet somehow keep her heart from silly boys (preferably bad boys who act mysterious, but really they're just messing with you, you know the ones) and keep her from mean girls that put her down to make themselves feel better.

But, we all know no one can do all that. And yet somehow when I found out I was having a daughter I instantly wanted to protect her from that pain; the reality of being a woman in America, in the world. I can't keep her from any sort of pain, but this responsibility to raise her to love Jesus and herself just the way she is...heavy.

Thankfully, since that moment, I've realized how every day I need to give her over to Jesus because it's not my job to keep her from life, but prepare her the best I can to face it head on and be all like, "Bring it on, world!" Because only He can carry it and handle it for her. The best example I could ever give her. (Maybe I should try to learn that first?) 

Also, I realized it will take a village to raise a girl. A tribe of other mama's who have a heart for their daughters to find their identity in Christ and not in people and things and approval. It will take lots and lots of prayer and listening and grace and healthy boundaries that are okay when they just want to be left alone.

Oh man, I am getting ahead of myself. Surprise, surprise.

All that to say, having Jack catapulted me into motherhood and having Zoey made me realize I could not raise a daughter alone. 'Cause a girl's heart is sacred and precious and needs to be protected. I couldn't do it without support, not without intentional change that my own heart needed in order to love her and in effort not to wound her. And not without the grace to let go of my crazy ideals, 'cause those always seem to get me into trouble.

I'm truly not surprised how much I love being Zoey's mom. I never questioned how much I would love it, I just wondered how on earth I could keep my heart from exploding. Each birth has made motherhood more rich, more challenging and more of an adventure. It truly is an honor and one I try not to take for granted. Each little life had been prayed for and cried over and rejoiced over. Each pregnancy had been full of highs and lows and pain and fear. Each little life has taught me more and more of God's perfect plan and that His will, not mine is much better (even though its so hard to say in it.) I am so thankful for their little lives and that I get to be their mama.

life

Our Mom's group recently started reading this book together. It is so good, so real and vulnerable. We've been having this mom's group for almost a year and we went deep during those often-interrupted 45 minutes and it was good.

On another note, the other night during our homegroup Jack decided to sit next to John and mimic everything he was saying--as he was saying it. It was hilarious. It took a lot of convincing to distract Jack and he wasn't really being cheeky. He was genuinely trying to be like daddy, haha. It was kind of like this skit.

Here is Zoey trying to hold two babies at once. 

Birdie ate asparagus and loved it. She loves her food. I can see where she gets that from.

Who is this big boy in Christmas pajamas? He has grown up much too fast.

Again, Zoey with the asparagus. Haha.

They really recently started enjoying baths together and although the older one still likes to take up most of the bath tub with his cars and trucks, little sister has begun to enjoy playing with the toys and splashing in the water too.

I've kind of got a rhythm down where I wash both of their hair and bodies as quick as possible and let them play for a bit. It really is just as easy to wash two as it is to wash one.

This girl is really starting to develop her personality. It's already so clear that she likes to have fun. She has a deep belly laugh and is incredible ticklish. Her first "word" if you will is "tickle-tickle-tickle" as she tickles her little tummy and asks you to. I love this about her. She also loves to hug baby dolls and real babies and is always saying "Yeha" when she sees a baby.

Her heart is so full of joy and carefree happiness. I can not wait to see the kind of woman she develops and grows into. What a journey! This tiny little person who will one day and grow and be her own woman. I can hardly believe it.

I can also hardly believe that Zoeybird is almost done nursing. It's kind of sad, but it's kind of time. I love those moments and if I let myself think about it too long I start to feel sad and regret having John always put her down. I am not holding my breath though because she was up quite a bit last night. But without nursing during the day there's a whole lot of nothing there for her to eat, so I think she's a little bummed too.

It's good, it's healthy, it's time. We're going to San Francisco in a couple of weeks (just the two of us) and hope to have her fully weaned by then. Sort of bittersweet, but worth it.

Those moments were so sweet and precious. Nursing isn't my favorite part of mothering, but the release of those happy hormones sure is awesome. I do miss that. I will always miss that. (is that selfish?)

little Zoey after being nursed to sleep. Those moments were so sweet.

lame

I feel terrible for slacking so much on this blog.



It's seriously been over a month. Future children to whom I write this blog for. I am sorry. Zoey, I am sorry that I have been a slacker. But, to be fair, it has been a whirlwind of a last month.

Christmas came! It was wonderful! My brother and his wife came and their sweet baby girl, Juniper. I loved every minute of it. It's hard growing up, through. Especially when you grow in different directions and no matter how badly you want to get back to that place, you just can't. I miss childhood and probably always will, but I'm learning to accept that people and things change.

Somewhere in all the busyness of life my Zoeybird crawls like a wild woman and her and Jack have found their rhythm and friendship and she doesn't mind his smothering hugs as long as she can grab his binky when he first wakes up. Typically after nap I set Zoey in Jack's bed and he loves a good cuddle. She only lasts a little bit, but the first thing she reaches for is his pacifer. (Which we're trying to let go of. But change is hard.) Jack is talking up a storm, pretending and tonight he informed me that "I love my buddies, mom." He's a true people person and is learning the art of empathy and taking turns. It's no easy task. For any of us, I imagine.



If Jack is up before Zoey he loves to rock her in her chair and we sing "Rock-a-by-Zoey" She loves it.

Zoey is standing, but not walking. She's always smiling, always curious, always wanting a little hug or a tickle. She's still not sleeping really well, but i am trying to begin the process of weaning her. I love nursing, but i think she's ready for milk and real food. She loves to eat and unlike her dear brother, will try anything I put in front of her. Her current favorites are turkey, avacado, string cheese, any sort of bread or noodle. She doesn't love sharp chedder cheese, but that's okay. I'm still nervous that she's going

John's book came out. It was/is exciting and brings me so much joy to see him excited about it too. It has meant busy weekends and long days and he's technically working two jobs somedays. I'm a woman of routine so this is kind of throwing me off, but truly by God's grace, I'm surprised at how much peace He's given me and true love for John and really wanting him to live in these moments because it will pass and life will return to it's consistency (the way I like it) and he'll have another idea pounding in his head and then we'll be off again...

Zoey's birthday was wonderful. It was small, just my parent's, brother and his fam, and a couple little friends from church who she sees in the nursery. It was pretty cute.

Jack and his pal Ellie. They've been friends since they were itty-bitty.

 And Ellie's sister Carly and Zoey. Also close in age and also too cute together.

 Zoey's other little friend Brooke. So cute.

My mom giving Zoey her present.

This girl loveees her food.

A little party spread.

 My sweet Zoeybird,

When I think of you my heart swells with love. You have changed me, little one, since I met you one year ago. Your very nature is sweet and so innocent. Your cry is soft and only used when you really want to be heard. You're favorite phrase to say is "Yeah!" In a high pitched tone. I've found myself saying that to you a lot whenever you smile or giggle. I love that you say that. That you say it when you look at babydoll or see a baby or see a picture of a baby. You love people's faces and when we have friends over you are so much happier than when it's just boring old me. I love that about you. I love your sass when I take something away or your refusal to eat baby food. I love your little lip tremble when someone tells you no and how hurt your feelings get. I love your go-with-the flow nature and that besides getting up at night, you are incredibly flexible. I love your tiny features and hair that falls into your face. I love when you sit on your little bum and hold your arms up to me to let me know you're ready to be picked up. Birdie, you are a dream come true. You are great for your brother, and I can already see will be a great ali for him. Please don't grow up too fast. I keep praying that we will be friends when you're older and I know it might not happen naturally, but I want you to know that I will try and try to be a good mama and friend to you. For I truly believe they go hand in hand. I am so glad we had you, I'm so thankful Jesus used you to heal our wounded hearts and to teach us true dependency on Him. I'm so glad we named you Zoey and every time I say your name I'm so happy we chose it. I love your little shoulder cuddle, the way you hum along when we sing to you and the way you talk to yourself at 4am for an hour.

I LOVE you, Zoey. Just the way you are.

Love,
Mama