kindergarten

Can it be? Are you really about to start Kindergarten?

Where has the time gone, my boy?

As I reflected on the upcoming life-change and monumental moment for my boy I couldn't help but wonder (and doubt, as I do. just being honest.) Have I taught him enough? not in the typical letters and numbers sort of way. The kid is an information vacuum and loves to learn. he's the same kid who asks questions like, "why does the moon change sizes? how do planes work? what were some of your mess ups as a kid?" 

but i wonder (or perhaps worry) have we practiced honesty enough? treating others the way you like to be treated? sweet Jack, we've practiced for the last five years how to use gentle hands, how to use words when we're upset, how to problem solve, find root emotions, sing songs to ward off bad moods and find comfort in blue blankets and bee bees (his beloved pacifier. RIP.) We've learned the joy of dance parties and bath time, Thomas the train, playmates, oreo eating, long walks and car-running in the house and/or backyard. we've practiced so much, my boy, and yet i can't help but wonder, are you ready? have we laughed enough? have we played pretend, read enough books together, taken enough naps together, made up stories, built forts, put together puzzles, created paint masterpieces and jumped through creeks enough?

have you tasted enough adventure? i'm sorry for how many times i've asked you to slow down or be careful, you know i just love you and want you to be safe, right? 

did we read up enough on how thunderstorms start and what an earthquake is? 

did i listen to your dreams?

did i draw your heart out enough? your tender, spirited little heart that has lots of feelings that you're learning to express well. 

i sure hope we did. i do love those moments with you.

you're getting faster, kiddo. your legs are strong and swift and your feet hit the ground at just the right beat. i watch you dart across yards, across monkey bars, down and up slides. i see you there, with never ending energy that only ends when your head hits that pillow. but oh, my boy, you will stay awake as long as i will sing and your questions just keep flowing. i see you dozing, your eyes getting heavy, but you come alive in those late night chats and every secret of the day unfolds and suddenly you have undivided attention (as your baby sister is long gone as soon as the lights are out. it is 10pm after all.) 

you ask, "are you old? i wish i could stay young forever."

and 

"i had a scary dream, do you want to hear it?"

or

"i wish mater was here."

and suddenly, those chats will have to be cut short as school starts and our wakeup call will be much earlier than the 9am you typically roll of out bed. 

i wonder, do you feel ready? do you know how life will change for the next several years? school starting marks such a beautiful beginning of independent life and i am so excited for your journey and to watch you grow and change.

time with you is precious, my son. and time is catching up to us and here we are. five years in and i love you more each day. being your mama is an adventure and never lacking excitement and laughter. you're funny and kind and know a good friend when you see one.

i see you, goose. 

i see you choosing good friends on the playground,

sharing that toy with Zoey,

creating incredible pretend play with your friends.

learning how to read and feeling deeply about the characters in the book or in a good movie,

singing your prayers to Jesus at night about how much you love Him and how big He is.

i see you, pal, using the coping skill of laughter to help someone feel better when they're sad. choosing to see the bright sad in tough situations and being protective and encouraging when things are tough. even when you're the one who is disappointed.

i can't wait to see you travel through this next adventure. to learn how to read and write, to learn about science and math and how to master those monkey bars. you will love it.

love you, goose. my wingman and the one who taught me how to be a mama. 

mama

some of my favorite songs that remind me of you: 

beautiful boy

blackbird

father and son

blue eyed son

things we miss

sometimes we miss the big windows in our family room.

the monsoon summer storms

our back yard and walks around our loop

and while we're there. little people. they're growing up so fast!

our beloved baby-sitter, holly. 

she was really great and the kiddos loved her so.

as a former babysitter who still keeps (more like spies?) up with the kiddos she once rocked to sleep or babysat regularly, i have a heart for that first babysitter. holly will be missed always!

and my, we miss that desert rain. 

but we are learning to love the cool nights here and the breezy, foggy mornings.

time

 THIS SONG came on pandora as we got ready one morning in our new city, but not quite yet in our new home. we had just moved, said goodbye to everything familiar and comfortable and left our little home. we were a little disoriented, moody and all the unfamiliar surroundings were throwing all of us in a funky mood. we tried to refresh our spirits with one thing familiar and for us that's after-dinner play with the josh ritter station. when this song came on it was a reminder that familiar would return and we would one day get settled into this (BIG) new city and one day i would remember to bring my paper bags to get groceries (they charge .10 per bag here! i am so mad every time i got to the check out and have forgotten.) one day i won't get lost or forget that to give myself more time getting to places. one day we'll have a usual place route that we take to church and home and our favorite little thrift stores around town. one day. but it's hard to remember that when you're in today and today i can't tell you which way is back to home and which way is to san francisco (so very thankful for my phone!) so, for today, we try to remember what is familiar and what won't change. That Jesus is still faithful and He will provide friends for my little extroverts and He's given us these beautiful trees and a quick 45 minute drive to the ocean. it's been good to grow as a little family, to learn when we need breaks or to discover that we our kids are in fact little friends.

probably the greatest surprise to me since being here is how my heart aches to bring our little one home from haiti to experience this transition with us. (not that it didn't when we lived in arizona, it was just different. i can't explain it.)  here there is so, so much culture here and people from all over the world. there's this pool of insight and helpful tips and other adopting parents and support groups. my mind is blown every time we explore the city.fleet

other moments that have been beautiful are the kiddos being reunited with their daddy and their chats as they drift off to sleep. jack and zoey share an air mattress and john snuggles in between them and sings them to sleep. i often have to wake him after about 45 minutes. it's precious.

i am so thankful we're all together, experiencing this transition together. moments have been hard and challenging and we often feel very flooded and our heads are left spinning, but they are good. and each day we feel a little bit more settled and are meeting so many incredible people. one day we'll learn which short cut to take, which grocery store has the best produce (though i'd have to say ALL so far) and which park has the most shade. for now, we just give it time.

our house

Our little home has been de-cluttered and deep cleaned and just this last week went under contract to be bought. Our first home as a family and where so many dreams came true, sickness fought, loss grieved, diapers dirtied, newborn tears were shed (and postpartum ones), friends laughter and change embraced because, I mean, what else can you do? I have fond memories of dance parties on this carpet and late night chats and little hands learning to walk holding onto that windowsill. Oh, time. You're rushin' me!

and change, my goodness, we've had our battles. i fight it like a kid fighting sleep, but then when it comes it isn't as scary or hard as i had thought. then sometimes it is and i wonder why i didn't fight it harder. ha. but most of the time, it is good. 

(I should probably document here (and tell my future-Jack---you handled this decision like a CHAMP and we cried and talked about how we would remember him, but ultimately we let go and got a set of caterpillar dump truck off amazon, to help ease the pain. It helped, but we will always miss him.)  We had to re-home our sweet, sweet Materboy. He is the best dog in the entire world and it was a decision that was so very difficult for us to make. Once we learned we were moving to California (and renting) I just knew that Materboy belonged in this mountain town. He needs a big backyard and a place to run around. We have dear friends who have a 12 year old male lab who Mater loves. They would graciously watch him for us if we ever had to go out of town. The pup is spoiled well there and lives like a little prince! He will have a great life. He is missed and fondly remembered and watching Cars and seeing Mater the tow truck will always be bittersweet for us, but we know he'll have a good, happy life. Complete with his rawhide every night and his kong of peanut butter every morning. Though we will miss our Materboy.

We watched countless monsoons and winter storms out those windows and that lovely, constant Arizona sun poured in every afternoon and morning. It kept our moods from dragging and our skin warm on cold winter days. The backyard, a beautiful escape and child's dream, should not be messed with from about February - May as though juniper trees really get to us, but other than those months it is always full of cozy coops and truck races. We shall miss you, backyard, though I have a feeling our next backyard will be full of new adventures and new hiding places. Can't wait to discover it. Jackboy is a sucker for nostalgia, just like his mama. I keep trying to remind him of the new memories we'll create there. I'm telling myself that too ;) 

It's always interesting to see how people process change, whether sudden or with notice. Some become nostalgic and remember, sometimes through smiles and sometimes through tears, the past and suddenly become very reflective people. Others fight against it, like trying to swim upstream, and hang even more tightly to the few things in life that are consistent, because there aren't many after all. The only constant thing in life is change. Well, that and Jesus! Amiright?

lately

today is been a day to slow down it on down.

Zoey has had a high fever and so we have spent the majority of the day on the couch, running the thermometer over her forehead (like a crazy lady, cause that is what I do. Not proud of it.) watching Paw Patrol, eating and drinking as often as she can. I really, really dislike when my kiddos are sick. It scares me so much. However, this time and for the first time in my mama-hood, I feel like I have a deep peace that they are going to be okay. That she is strong and brave and her body can kick whatever comes her way. We found out last week that our little birdie needs tubes put in her ears. That was scheduled for Thursday, but with the high fever we've had to postpone it. For who knows how long she has heard life as if she were under water. What a bummer for our life-loving girl! I will not deny that I love the snuggles and cuddles on the couch and as she falls asleep. She's growing up so fast.

We also miss our little one in Haiti so, so much. I think about her all the time and wonder how she's doing and feeling and growing and what she's learning. We get occasional updates which do my heart such good. She is thriving and seems to be so happy and strong.

A big change is about to happen for our little fam and as bittersweet as it is, we're anticipating great growth as John recently took a job as a teaching pastor in residence at Venture Christian Church in Los Gatos, California. Our hearts feel so sad to leave behind our family at Cornerstone, beautiful mountain town and all of our dear family and friends, but John and I both feel deep in our hearts that this is where we're meant to go. Change is never easy, but it is the one constant in life and so we embrace it, move forward and pray for a smooth transition and an armful of adventure.

I was nervous about telling the kids, I'll be honest. I don't handle change well and I, again, realized I was about to project my feelings of deep dislike for change onto my kids. I knew I was faced with a crossroads as I practiced how I would tell them. I could cry and be sad and fear their response and the disruption that this would cause on their little lives. Or, we could celebrate what God is doing, anticipate all the new that California would be and reflect so fondly on our season here, but also look forward to all that will happen there. It wasn't easy, especially for sentimental me, but to my great surprise, my kindred-soul son looked up at me and John and replied, "Okay! When do we go? Can we bring our beds with us?"

So there you have it. Too young to realize the great change that awaits, but adventurous enough to dare the leap even if it means to leave behind all that is familiar and comfortable and wonderful. I've done it so many times and each time does get a little easier, except for saying goodbye to dear friends (and family) that were made along the journey. I have such a deep love and appreciation for good friends, authentic conversation and lots of laughter. Along the road I've met so many wonderful kindred spirits that I will forever hold so close to my heart. Every goodbye has not been easy, but Jesus is always so faithful to provide friendships in every change of season. The length of friendship varies, but that is what is so beautiful about life and people, they are every where and all it takes is listening and loving.

It's the starting over that is hard. Reintroducing yourself. again and again. And yet there's something beautiful about that too. A fresh start and a chance to do different what you wish you had done. A chance to really remember that Jesus is and always will be all that the depths of my soul needs. As much as I like to think I need to fill it with friendships, He's the only one that can fill that (bottomless pit, let's be honest. ha!)

So who knows what this next journey will bring? The unknowns sometimes keep me up at 3am, but lately I've realized that whatever it is, it will be good. Especially because our Jesus leads us and our little tribe gets to go together.

the end of an era.

this last week was our last night with the homegroup we've been lovin' and growing in for the last year.

it was just time. time for a break from leading and time for a season of just going to a group. time for more groups to form as there's so many people at church who want to be in a community group. it's good and healthy, but it was still a 'lil bittersweet to say goodbye. (just to seeing them on tuesday nights.) these friendships have become really incredible.

so we had a pizza night to fare-thee-well. we made a ton of pizzas and ate and played with babies and talked about theology (okay, i wasn't part of that discussion, but i heard it going on.) jack particularly liked homegroup, as you can see. it was (one of) the highlights of his week.

(we're even missing two couples.)

i really dig community. like, if i could i would live in a kibbutz. my man, not so much. he loves his space and alone time and an area to stretch out in his comfies.

i think what i love so much about community is this idea of living life together. of sharing in the joys and trials of life and coming alongside each other and asking how to help or how to celebrate or how to just be with them.

the group grew so much over the year. babies were born, longed for, adopted and lost. the heart of the group was molded together as we prayed for each other, with each other and wrapped an arm around the other while they cried. this was the first time in our married lives that we really got attached to a group together. we were doing it, living in community and raising our kiddos together.

if it were up to me, there would be this space in time where every single friend i've made over the years would be and the groups and connections that were formed would be there too. you could go and visit at any time (any one, not just me.) and reconnect, re-live, rejoin those lives and just for a moment share life with them once again.

obviously, and unfortunately, life is not like that. besides a reunion night or a trip to fly to see them, most connections are in the past. and that's okay. it's life and we're all growing and changing. it's healthy. but that doesn't stop me from missing it.

but life is hard and busy and being in full time ministry every day and leading staff meetings and elders meetings makes it hard to lead another thing. i think we were optimistic that we could balance it all and host and lead a group in our home. the good news is i discovered what it looks like to host something and it isn't half as scary as i had thought. it was a lot of work, yes, but we found a rhythm and we had a snack schedule.

we're joining a different community group with other folks but won't be hosting or leading. i think it will good and a different role for this season. every time something changes it kills me a lil bit. i like my routine, man. i could literally do the same thing or eat the same lunch for months on end. but every single time we have faced a huge change (which, being married to john happens quite often) God has always used it for the good. it has always grown us, deepened our dependency on Him and stretched us in a new and different way. routine is good and it can be beneficial in many ways, but change is just as good and i'm learning to kind of embrace it. still takes me a little bit, but i'm getting there.

wow. i'm really going to miss this group more than i had thought.

christmas

I was on a roll there for a little bit.

Oh well. Sorry to my kids in the future that I am not consistent on this thing. Check out my instagram pictures though, I'm updating those daily. 

Christmas is one week away. One week! Each Christmas that I have been married to John has been a different experience. This one is no exception. On Sunday, an op-ed that he wrote for the New York Times was published . It was such a journey and so exciting to watch him live out his dream since High school. I am so impressed with his skill and gifting and can't wait to see how the Lord is going to continue using him as times goes on. I'm so thankful for his friendship and love and partnership. I will never know how he balances it all, but he does. And so well. 

Zoeybird a movin' and a scootin'. Everywhere. We got our first snow this last weekend and she loved looking at it through the window. She's such a fun little girl and full of so much life. She doesn't enjoy long, leisurely naps and just said farewell to her morning nap. (!!) That's hard for me. I love naptime. It's one of the highlights of my days. I'm sure she'll re-visit the 'ol morning snooze, but for now she goes down when Jack does and wakes up around the time he does. Which is totally fine with me. She recently found a babydoll in the nursery and fell in love. She talks to it and gets so giddy when she sees it. She loves seeing Jack and if I ever ask her "where's Jack?" she looks around and just starts giggling. She is still nursing, but loves food. Not necessarily baby food, but she loves food. I'm so thankful for her; her sweet nature and the little buddy that she is. I can't wait to watch her grow and develop and keep up with her big brother. I love seeing her and Jack together and they're really beginning to enjoy each other. They love to cuddle after naps and giggle up a storm in bed together. Jack especially loves to cuddle, but Zoey hasn't quite found a love for it just yet. 




Jackboy is talking up a storm. He loves to sing and is just beginning to pretend with his cars (a favorite pastime of mine. Pretending, not necessarily with cars. ;) He's active and adventurous and loves learning new songs and quoting his favorite movies. He loves to read books or "car-zines" with his daddy. Oh, and he loves his daddy. Today he cried for him for about 25 minutes before his nap. He cried at the window where John's car normally is and wailed about how he wanted his daddy and his daddy is his best friend. They are so cute together and Jack is such a mini-version of John. Next Sunday, Jack is singing in his first ever Christmas program at church. For all of three songs, but STILL. This is a big deal. An even bigger deal that he will stand there for those three songs (please, Lord!) He loves his friends, playdates, cars, Mickey Mouse, Mater the Tow Truck and Frosty the Snowman. He has so much love in his little heart and is constantly making us laugh. 

 



I can't believe how fast this year has gone, I can't believe that one year ago I was huge and pregnant and about to birth my second babe. I can't believe that in the last year I somehow (by God's grace and thank you Weight Watchers) lost a total of 56 pounds. I can't believe how fast Zoey has grown and how much joy she brings to my heart. I can't believe that John's book is about to be released and the changes that have happened at our home church. I am so thankful for change and growth and God's grace and patience. I'm thankful for the past and memories and childhood. I'm so excited for 2013 and for whatever Jesus has in store. I just hope I can keep up and savor those moments with the kiddos that are going so quickly.