completely knackered.

.the funniest thing happened to me the other night.

i could go over details and go on and on and on about it and for those of you that really and truly want to hear it, give me a call, but my end result?

God has the biggest sense of humor.

I mean, in the reality of it all, we serve a mighty and victorious God, but also He is our Abba and in being that--He knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows what will surprise us, what will scare us and exactly how much of that we can handle. It's surprising really, this sense of humor He has, and every time I feel like I'm going under and there's no hope of rising there He is, smiling with the result. And I just laugh, sometimes even giggling (imagine that! no, but seriously.) and feel humbled that He knows what He's doing and I'm just along for the ride.

What is this with these people never updating their blogs? It's going to result in phone calls because I don't know whats going on in their lives anymore...(what is this place. America? That we result to people's blog rather then personal phone calls? Oye vey.)

Ok, I'm off to study the-language-only-by-God's-grace-I-will-ever-understand.

Were You There?

Were You There

"Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?

Were you there when they nailed him to the tree?
Were you there when they nailed him to the tree?
Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they nailed him to the tree?

Were you there when they laid him in the tomb?
Were you there when they laid him in the tomb?
Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when they laid him in the tomb?

Were you there when God raised him from the tomb?
Were you there when God raised him from the tomb?
Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble.
Were you there when God raised him from the tomb?"

...tonight we sang that at church. Last week when we watched the Passion of the Christ and we sang this directly afterwards...the room was so quiet with only murmers of the word "tremble, tremble, tremble." thinking of what we had just seen and what Christ did for us.

...the moon was intense. not in a very direct way of the word, but it was so bright it lit up the entire neighborhood. abbie and i starred at it for a while, music playing gently throughout the car. we admired the moon not just because it was captivating, the way the clouds covered it like a thick blanket and the light dwindles until it is nothing but the shadow against the clouds. but mostly, i thought of the artists that try to recreate something incredible, painting, drawing, all sorts of art. most do incredible things and the beautiful and creativity of it all is amazing, but something that occured to me was that sometimes we try to go so far out of our way to discover something beautiful that can be created and forget to start right with the simple. the moonlight and the shadow of the clouds. Art is everywhere, God is the creator and perfector of it.

Направление Бога

.
...somewhere beyond the trees and the water lies Israel.

...which means, "God's Direction."

This last week I had an all out for real, all walls down, honest talk with Jesus. I asked Him for clear direction with my life...to lead me where He wants me to go and for His own glory...to graciously give me His direction. And He did.

But, ya know, I don't know what made this time different then other times. I've been on my kitchen floor several times pleading with Jesus for guidance and He's just said "wait." and I've waited, and my faith was still as small and miniscule as it was before, but when I asked Him this past week I asked Him believing that He would provide an answer. This is something that while at school and sharing my day's with Hannatu (Grace) she would tell me again and again to have faith that He would answer. Faith? What is faith? To an African it may be the way of everyday life...but for a typical America, which, sadly enough I've come to realize that I am, faith means having it on a rare chance when you have tried everything possible, you have cried out and lost hope of ever getting out of that rut...that's when faith appears (also when Jesus enters the picture and picks us up, wipes us off and begins to take the stirring wheel.) and suddenly, we have lost control of our lives. and that's what HE asks us to do! Incredible!

So, last Tuesday I fasted and contined to seek direction, then I said to my mother "today, the Lord is going to show me what I am going to do with my life."

And the next day, on Wednesday, I got an email from a lady in England who works with Ebenezer Ministries. I had applied earlier that month and asked to go and work somewhere in either Russia or the Ukraine to help gether the Jews and help them make aliyah (going back to Israel) and she wrote back and asked if I would like to come in August or September...so this fall that will be my home, where Lord willing He will pour Himself through me to His chosen people for His own glory. This is the cry of His heart and I am overjoyed to think that He could possibly use me for Him.
I'll be moving to Odesa, Ukrane for three to six months and...although my mother may feel it's too far and too unsafe, I would be scared to death to be anywhere else but in the center of the Lord's will. Because the only place where we can be truly harmed is out of the Lord's will and that could be in our very own home town.
How do we be in the centre of the Lord's will? My friend Soteria once told me "it's having a personal relationship with Him so that when He call us, we go."

And those He calls, He equips...
Also, He works out everything for the good of those that love Him.
That's our Jesus. Our Abba. His unfaithfulness blows me away.
Praise Jesus.

все собираются быть хорошо

...in other words, everything is gonna be alright.





Possibly two of my favourite pictures.

...I sure could go on and on about these two pictures and what they mean to me. I could explain it up and down and never fully get my point across because...that's just it. It's more than a point. More then a memory and a place in time when the most important thing in life was the best movie quote, or what we were doing friday night...it's all more than that. And to attempt to explain it would do it no justice so I leave it at this:

"When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we see
No, I won't be afraid
Oh, I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand
Stand by me, so

Darling darling stand by me
Oh, stand by me
Oh stand, stand by me, stand by me
If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
Ot the mountain
Should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry
No, I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand
Stand by me, and
Whenever you're in trouble
Won't you stand by me, oh stand by me"

Guten nact. Schlaf gute.

an artist's perspective...

Another demonstration of God's beauty! My cousin Sarah painted these for an Art Walk we have here in town...she's incredible. The first one goes along with the Mercy Me lyrics for "Spoken For" and the second is of the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and dried them with her hair.

...beautiful.

I am drawn back to that song "I was born to kiss His feet...isn't He beautiful?"

Grapefruit trees and a Bucket of Rhymes

"...I think I'll go for a walk outside, the sun is calling my name."

Oh no! For once, there is no sun in Phoenix, Arizona but rather these beautiful dark clouds and skyt hat fills the space between the leaves and the random palm tree. Of course, in the direct center is the famous Grapefruit Tree that we all take turns picking. This, is Spring. The most pleasant time of year in Arizona and absolutely beautiful. Here comes the storm...and whatever the storm is, I feel ready. I feel ready to embrace it...why? I'm still not sure, but whatever it is I know He'll be there. In the words of the much appriciated Rufus Wainwright. My dear Kate introduce this song to me:

"I don't know what it is
but You got to do it
I don't know where to go
But You got to be there
I don't know where to fall
But I know that its comfortable where
I don't know where it is

...Putting all of my time
In learning to care
And a bucket of rhymes
I threw up somewhere
Want a locket of who
Made me lose my perfunctory view
Of all that is around
And of all that I do

I don't know what it is to get me over
To get me over
You gotta do it.
You gotta be there."
If you get a chance, check that song out.

Shabbot Shalom everyone!

"O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above."

...Please, read it not just once but a few times over. Chew on it, think of it, remember it, pray upon it and see what comes of it. The words that swim throughout some music pierces this part of your heart that nothing else can reach. When the words in the music are glorifying to our God, it seems to reach the heart in a sort of different way...a more personal sort of way perhaps. I remember when I would ask Spiro again and again to sing it. "Just sing that one part, Spiro." and she would...sometimes when we were doing nothing or even sometimes in between lectures. This song is personal, its real...it's this choise we're given. Do we give Him our complete heart? Do we acknowledge how prone we are to wonder from our faithful God? It's my prayer for each one of you guys that this will become the cry of your heart...for His glory.
...by the way, this is Spiro. This picture describes Spiro. Oh, there she is with John in Liverpool.

Swept Off To...

For those of you with it at hand, get your Fellowship Of The Ring soundtrack and go to Number 17. Listen to the beginning of the song and wait for it...wait for it...

Frodo: Go back, Sam. I'm going to Mordor alone.
Sam: Of course you are. And I'm coming with you.

..I was blessed with one phone call to feel an ounce of what they must have felt. This part of the movie grips me like none other and reminds me of Rachel. When she called, her voice shaking and unsteady, it soon reminded me of this part and how years have passed and we have both changed but our friendship has not. I know we would go to the very fires of Morder for each other. Yet now, miles and hours apart we rely and sit upon what Bilbo used to say: "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."

What A Day

"...and even if time ain't really on my side,
it's one of those days for taking a walk outside
I'm blowing the day to take a walk in the sun
and fall on my face on somebody's new-mown lawn.
I've been having a sweet dream I been dreaming since I woke up today."
..Walking back from class these words rang true and it stirred this memory that went deeper then most. I starred up at the bright sky with all of its blunder of clouds and sunshine. What a beautiful day.
"And you can be sure that if you're feeling right
A daydream will last long into the night
Tomorrow at breakfast you may pick up your ears
Or you may be daydreaming for a thousand years
What a day for a daydream."

"ABBA!"

Often times I love to use analogies to illustrate my emotions at a present time. Today, an experience happened that painted just that:

I was at work and a young two year old was moody and restless. Her disposition that day had been awful and for the first time since I had met Emi, she refused to obey me. Even when I had to pry the Bubble blower out of her hands, she refused to ease her will of getting what she wanted and when she wanted it. However, at 4:00 when her father arrived she was in the same mood and only wanted to see him. Her older sister, Lea took her to the playground to play on the swings but she just wanted her father. Their family speaks in Hebrew and all of the sudden I look over and her stance was sturdy, her head thrown back and she screamed in Hebrew.

"Abba! Abba!" Louder and louder after each name calling. I hear her father respond with something in Hebrew and she begins to cry. She wants her Abba. She wants to feel his presence, to know that he's there, to be greeted by him and hugged and loved by him so that she can return the same affection. She wanted to go home with him and spend the rest of the afternoon and evening with him.

Sometimes, all we can do is stand in the desert and say, with our arms spread around us. "Abba!" and before we even say His name, He is there to reflect upon us His grace and love. Hallelujah.

Strange Things Are Happening

okay. tonight at 1:33 am i decided what i am going to do with the rest of my life:

first of all, stop going to school because it is a capitol B for boring and i am sick of it. so that's over with.
secondly, tell my parents that i will not "divorce" them as some do, but make sure they are taken care of for the rest of their lives.
thirdly, call mel or stephan or someone and let them know the secret is out and i am ready for work. i know, some of you are surprised (especially you rachel. please dont sell those music videos on ebay. thank you.) but its true. i'm movin' to hollywood! anyone with me?
its a good life goal, i think, and i won't be like those other actors...i promise. i will stay normal and keep my house here (i need to buy one first) and then the one in california...my apartment in London and Manhattan...now i am just getting carried away..
its so late, this reminds me of earlier today when i kept watching certain parts from Dumb and Dumber and my father could not believe the fact that i found it so hilarious. it just is:
"Goodbye my love---"

goodnight everyone. sleep well.
(i hope everyone can take sarcasm. this is not boy humor. ok rachel?)

...a reply to try...

when someone says : I'm tired. (meaning, physically, mentally, spiritually, anything)

respond with: you're tired? babies are tired and babies get naps!

...just a little bit of david letterman humor...

however, in the preferred words of the beatles...
"When you find yourself in the thick of it help yourself to a bit of what is all around you. Silly girl."

Taking a Sad Song and Making It Better...

but how is that possible??

...i forgot to mention possibly the best band i have ever heard....

...the sweet melodic sounds of the beatles...

...how silly of me.

, today, another eventful day driving home from work and these lyrics went through my ear drums (that are slightly enflamed due to my cold, sure you needed to know that) and i all i heard was this:

i wonder if paul realized he would be used by Jesus today? oh paul (using the ever small-lipped british accent)

"...and anytime you feel the pain
Hey Jude refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool
Who plays it cool
While making his world a little colder
La Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na"

"So let it out and let it in
Hey Jude begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you
Hey Jude you do
The movement you need is on your shoulder."
(THAT'S BONNIE IN THE PICTURE)


..to be completely honest with each one of you this song took me back to room 4 with Bonnie D (perhaps it was talking to spiro last night as well and our long conversation that i enjoyed ever so much) but really. Bonnie and I spoke through Beatles songs, it was just something that was in us. and that, my friends, is a rare and hard find for people these days. if any one of you has a friend that they can speak through beatles songs with do not, i repeat, do not let them go. they're a gift.
(this song was written for john's son julian, right?)
so real quick. top five beatles songs that remind me of bonnie: (i couldn't just put up my favourite 5. thats impossible!)

5. Ob-La-Di-Ob-La-Da (dancing around the room from bed to bed)
4. Mother Nature's Son (i had to take out calico skies because...its not a beatles song and there is just no excuse.) (thank you spiro)
3. Martha My Dear (this was more second term, eh.)
2. Dear Prudence (oh, she was ALWAYS singing this one)
1. Freakin' Penny Lane

Alright, I'm done for now.

Moses Suposes His Toses Are Roses...

...i sit, waiting for the next class to begin.
...please, go check out andy's band. they're quite enjoyable.

...does anyone ever have those moments when they wish they could somehow detach themselves from the situation and just kind of observe it without having to react to it? that was saturday night for me. i think it would have been much more interesting to observe a high school youth group valentine's day party. it would have been slightly amusing. regardless, i wore a "heart of the ocean" necklace from titanic (no, not the real thing. come on.) and made plenty of toasts "la'chiam." and held the glasses high. cheers, mates.

i read this today and thought it could benefit someone else's day besides my own:

"Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life...it strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage...that's when we experience grace." -The Ragamuffin Gospel.

the potting wheel

..i was talking to abbie today about letting go. about accepting feelings and the reality of pain and the the experience of a love loss. it was incredible to hear how similar we felt, how intense we both are. i looked at her from across my parents mini-van, her in the passanger seat and i in the front seat.

"is something really wrong with us?"
i asked.

"no mel..nothing is wrong with us. it's Jesus working and shaping us and molding us into the people He wants us to be" she emphasized complete with hand motions. sometimes i miss him even now when i know im not supposed to. healing is such a process that seems to go on for years. how long until we are healed of this past that plagues us? when will it be that we cry out to Jesus and we forget? i think about it nearly daily and its this process of having to accept him as if he "died"
...at school Rob talked (thats Rob in the picture) a lot about "you can forgive until you are blue in the face but you can't forget" and "its impossible to concentrate on forgetting." and importantly: "forgiving isn't a step, it's a process."

....and that scares me to do. how long until i'll forget? i talked to grace this morning a bit about. i dont wish none of it had happened i just wish the memories weren't as visible in my mind as they were when they happened. sometimes, and often, it's surrendering to Jesus whether on your kitchen floor, in your bedroom or driving to work...raising your hands and begging Jesus to begin the process of healing. to begin to shape and mold us. amen,

"What will you do without freedom? Aye, fight and you may die, run, and you'll live... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take away our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!"
...what a beautiful quote.
..today its raining, it reminds me of my memories that still feel as real as if they happened yesterday. i feel like i should go to liverpool today or to the lake district.
..i talked with my brother last night for a long while. i sat on the bathroom floor and he painted this analogy about life and accepting change. it was perfect. i hope i get it right.

"when the body receives a heart transplant it can do one of to things: either the body will accept the new heart and begin the process of healing and the long journey ahead to recovery. or, the body will reject the heart completely and the body will, in fact, die. it will shut down and you will die. if the body can't accept the heart then there is no healing process. the body must accept the new heart...the new life that it has been given in order to function."

...incredible. if i may so i do think my brother is a slight genius. i love him
dearly.

Я хочу кушать. Подайте, сколько можете.

...which really means " I want to eat. Will you give me whatever you can?." what an interesting question. and that, my dear friends, is where i am at in this moment.

...this moment. a simple phrases that has become pale with color due to the many uses that it has gone through. i use that phrase often, if any of you really know me. yet i've tried to stray from it for a while now. because it' s not the moment its the big picture, and where do we all fit into the big picture? the big picture. ah, yes. i was listening to a song on the good 'ol ipod that said "all i have in this world is more then a King could ever wish for." and it hit me. this reality that was decorated with Truth and Blessings and the next phrase that said "and I was born to kiss Your feet."

...i skipped my classes today, well, all of them but my english because the teacher stresses me out. ah, yes, i hear it from each one of you in your own ways. "mel, nothing can stress you out, you stress yourself out." well, alright. makes enough sense, right? no. let me paint the picture here: (although i am no artist) he's tall, lanky and has various colors of gray hair lined in oil. he's a charater...a man that prefers men over women and the intelligence that men seem to hold. he is a sports fanatic and perfector of writing. he walks like "jack" from "a nightmare before Christmas" and actually holds the same ambience as him. he is a hidden blessing.
...back to the moment and the big picture. it's Jesus. i really believe simply and completely it's Jesus and there is nothing more that we can try to fit into it because the minute we do we drain it of its Truth. so as far as the moments go and how to live them and experience them it comes to a point where the bible says in 1 corinthians 10:31 "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." or in Russian ^"31Итак, едите ли, пьете ли, или иное что делаете, все делайте в славу Божию." and in doing that everything will seem to turn back to Him. incredible.
...so i am twenty years old today and i dont feel any different or look any different but im ready for it. every other birthday ive sort of dreaded the aging and the changes that happen but i think i'm finally ready. as i once wrote on someone's driveway, "everyone dies but not everyone truly lives." (what movie is that from?) who else is ready to begin living?

the last day of nineteen years.

...this summer i heard the lyrics to this song for the first time. i had been in the states for less than a month and my heart was a mess. i clung to the past desperatly and a desire that Jesus did not want to give me and than He showed me these lyrics. even today when i heard it in the car a real and tangable sense of peace consumed me as i realized it was His love, not the boy from school, not a future i had so dreamed of, but His love that broke through and made everything a reality that consisted of He and I.

this seemed to be the best picture to describe it. my dear sister Grace from Nigeria. she taught me of God's real grace and how undeserving we are and yet how real and intimate it can be. she deserves a post to rant about the things she taught me. (side note: thursday they decide if she can travel out of the UK so if you think of it, please pray!)


"Like a foolish dreamer, trying to build a highway to the sky
All my hopes would come tumbling down, and I never knew just why
Until today, when you pulled away the clouds that hung like curtains on my eyes well I've been blind all these wasted years and I though I was so wise but then you took me by surprise

Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed
Until Your love broke through
I've been lost in a fantasy, that blinded me
Until Your love broke through

All my life I've been searching for that crazy missing part
And with one touch, you just rolled away the stone that held my heart
And now I see that the answer was as easy, as just asking you in
And I am so sure I could never doubt your gentle touch again
It's like the power of the wind

Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed
Until Your love broke through
I've been lost in a fantasy, that blinded me
Until Your love, until Your love, broke through"

....selah....

..i know all of you might not be huge fans of lyrics but here is someone who could explain it all much better then i could ever try to and many of you know this song. for me, it holds dear memories and real truth. how often do we discuss the truths of a situation rather then playing around with "feelings."? not nearly often enough. or perhaps things like this is just "playing around with feelings." who knows.

"Nothing can be done against the truth
No matter how we remain in denial.

Wasting time
Replacing time
With each empty excuse
But that'll only work a little while

Coping with despair
Knowin' you're not there
Ashamed to just admit
I've been a fool.

So I blame it on the sun
Run away from everyone
Hoping to escape this ridicule.

Trapped in misery
Wrapped so miserably
In this deception that I'm wearin' it like a skin

Dying to maintain
Oh I keep trying to explain
A heart that never loved me to begin.

Oh I'm such a mess
I have no choice but to confess
That I've been desperately trying to belong.

Lying to myself
And everybody else
Refusing to admit my right was wrong

And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Praise and Meditation
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Did ya think about that?
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Praise and Meditation
And then he came
Selah
Oh and it means
That it deceived

How beautiful is fruit still in denial of its roots?
My guilty heart behaves so foolishly.
This treason from within
That reasons with my sin
Won't be happy til' it sees the death of me.

Selfishly addicted
To a life that I depicted
Conflicted cuz it's not reality
Oh what's left of me
I beg you desperately
Cause me to agree to what I know is best for me.

Please save me from myself
I need You to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal.

The choices that I make
Oh have been nothing but mistakes
What a wasted use of space
Should I die before I wake?
In all of my religion
I've fortified this prison
Obligated to obey
The demands of bad decision
Please save me from myself
I need You to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Praise and Meditation
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Did ya think about that?
And He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Meditation
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
That it deceived

And then He came
And then He came
Then He came
Then He came
And then He
And then He came"

beautiful. anyone agree?

lauryn hill "selah"

my all in all

...i recalled this memory of a time not so long ago when i was at a castle in england, getting into the funny little bus that would occasionally include a car sickness and singing this song on the way to lancaster...

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising up again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising up again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I get dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

what a beautiful perfect reminder of who God is and putting Him in His rightly place.